Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I once dialogued with a wife who wasn’t sure if she had made the right move when she left her home because of her husband’s need for “space.” For the past several months, her husband had been acting distracted, cold, and annoyed. Every time she would ask him what was wrong, he would tell her either that nothing was wrong, that she was just imagining things, or that he was under a great deal of stress at work.

So, she hoped as best as she could that this would just pass, but it didn’t. In fact, it only got worse. Until one day he sat her down and told her that he just wasn’t happy with his life, with their marriage, or with anything at all. He kept repeating that he “needed space” and that he just felt so confused and trapped. The wife wasn’t sure what to do. It was clear that her husband was going through some type of personal crisis that wasn’t likely to just work itself out.

So, the next day, while the husband was at work, the wife abruptly packed her bags, left their home, and stayed with a coworker. Now that she had made this drastic move, however, she was doubting herself. She asked me: “Was that the right thing to do? I thought it would be better for me to leave because at least I can control him, NOT leaving right now. But I’m worried that I acted abruptly. And, I’m not even sure how to approach him. I don’t even know what to say. But, I do know that I only want for this to be temporary. I want to come home and I want to save the marriage, but I’m afraid I’ve made a very big mistake. In the following article, I’ll tell you why I think she made the best move that she could in a difficult situation, which she could possibly turn around.

Why It’s Sometimes A Good Idea To Be The One To Leave When Your Husband Wants Space: It was pretty clear that the husband wasn’t going to abruptly wake up the next morning and decide that he was suddenly happy and content in the marriage. This had been building for a while, and if the wife didn’t willingly offer up the space, the husband was likely going to take it by force or by being the one to leave. And when the disgruntled spouse is the one who leaves, you usually have a more difficult situation. Because not only do you have to deal with the issue at hand, you now have to work on convincing him to retrace his steps and to come back home.

When you are the one to leave, you do have a greater sense of control. Yes, you do have the awkward situation of being the one to take the initiative. But, at least you don’t have the obstacle of luring him back. And, if you play your cards right, you can paint yourself as someone who is supportive and accommodating rather than someone who is arguing with him (and at least in his perception,) making his problems worse.

I have seen countless wives make every attempt to keep their husbands from taking their “space,” and, sure, some of them are initially successful. But, in the long term, the success rate looks very low. A husband who has been begged or forced to stay will eventually become resentful and will eventually feel sure that he will never really know what might have happened if he’d been able to take some time on his own to clear his head. Yes, he may be present, but you will both know that he is not there willingly, and he is not fully invested. And, usually, the next time he tries to break away, it will not be so easy to get him to stay. He will likely have much more resolve, and your chances for success lessen each time you have to rein him back in.

But if you are agreeable and play it as though his happiness is vitally important to you and that you want to support him when he is struggling, then you’ve likely put yourself in a much better position. Yes, it may be scary, and you likely will feel vulnerable and afraid. But, this is why it’s so important that you position yourself so that when he ponders this situation, he realizes that he misses you rather than wanting to stay away.

Playing The Game So That You Play To Your Advantages While He Is Taking His Space: I know that many wives in this situation don’t believe it, but there are parts of this situation that you can use to your advantage. You do know the things and behaviors to which he responds well. And, you know the things that cause stress or turmoil. In general, this is a very volatile situation, and you will often fare much better if you try to keep things from becoming too heavy.

If you want to be able to come back home and save the marriage, then you want to set it up so that he’s not avoiding you because he worries that every time you interact, it’s going to turn out badly. Instead, you want for him to welcome the two of you staying in touch because he knows that you support him and that you’re hoping that the space means that the two of you will be happier because of it.

You don’t want to come on too strong, and you don’t want to push to come home. Ultimately, you want him to ask you to come home, and you want to be sure that he means it. This usually happens quite gradually. You have to accept small strides, and you have to keep things as lighthearted as you can. You don’t want either of you to feel unnecessary pressure or stress. You want him to think that you’re quite capable and although you miss him, you are coping.

You want for him to see the dynamic, fun-loving, understanding, and sweet woman that he fell in love with. Whatever you do, don’t show him the doubtful, scared, and teetering person that you may feel like right now. And, you want him to begin to gravitate toward you. So, you might say something like: “You know that I don’t want to end our marriage. If allowing you some time and space will make things clearer for you, I’m willing to do that. I might even benefit from some time myself. Let’s discuss how this is going to work.”

Once the ground rules have been laid, you want to move slowly and give him time to be sure of what he wants. And, you want to end each encounter on a positive note that he wants more and more of them. The idea is that when he does ask you to come back home, you both know that you’re sure and won’t be repeating this process in the future.