Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when a husband announces that he wants a separation, he will let many unpleasant realities slip out. He may reveal hurtful secrets. He might say the marriage was a mistake or that he chose you based on attributes other than love. For example, sometimes a husband might admit that he chose his wife not because he was madly in love with her but because she was “safe.”

Understandably, this same wife can be devastated by this admission and unsure about what it might mean for her marriage. She might say, “for the past several months, my husband has been hinting that he isn’t happy. For the last several weeks, it has become obvious that he may move out or leave me. I have tried to get him to open up, but he just tells me that he needs some time. Well, last night he told me that he wanted to separate. He did not give any details about what this ‘separation’ would entail but admitted that he’s unsure if he feels the way that he should toward me. I told him that I wanted him to be more specific. Does he not love me? Is he not attracted to me? I didn’t understand his words. So he finally admitted that he married me because I’m ‘safe’ and because his previous fiance was such a drama queen that I looked stable and safe by comparison. He thought that stable was what he wanted but now he realizes that passion is missing from his life. I am devastated by this. Basically, my husband is telling me that he chose me because I am boring. And now he’s saying that he doesn’t want boring. Where does this leave me?”

I understand how you feel. During my own separation, my husband let hurtful things slip also. He would often tell me that we were very different people who were incompatible. The irony of this was that when we were dating, he would brag about what a perfect match we were. During our separation, he would say that I was too risk-averse and conservative. But when we were dating, he would praise these attributes. It may make you feel better to know that now that we have reconciled, he once again values my careful demeanor. Below, I’ll list some possible reasons for your husband coming clean about your “safe” demeanor and some tips on how to process this and move forward.

The “Safety” Discussion May Be An Excuse: As I alluded to, your husband claims about “safety” may be less than valid. He may be struggling to come up with justification for his wanting to separate. He may be unable to articulate why he is so unhappy and why he needs this space. So, he’s attempting to offer a benign reason. Likely, he didn’t put a lot of thought into his response and he underestimated how much this was going to hurt you. It is quite possible that he actually values your reliable, steady, dependable personality. Who wouldn’t? Most people would prefer a spouse who always has their back and who will make sound decisions. To many, this would be preferable to a spouse who always creates drama and conflict. Don’t read too much into this. He likely said it in the heat of the moment and it may be inaccurate.

Dealing With The Immediacy Of The Separation: Right now, your most important hurdle is actually the separation and not the “safety” issue. So it is better to shelf what your husband has said and instead focus on maintaining positive and regular contact while you are separated. This is far more important than dwelling on a few careless words. You can sort out the issue once you begin reconciliation negotiations. But what you do and how you act right now may greatly impact your ability to reconcile. So place your focus on making positive gains with your husband. As difficult as it may be, try to keep things light and upbeat. I know that it is difficult to be laid back and playful while you feel desperate and scared, but often, desperation will actually scare your husband away. If you want access to him, you must hang back and maintain a low-pressure situation.

Sure, in a sense you are downplaying how you really feel. But you will have time to sort everything out once your marriage is in a better place. Right now, your marriage is fragile. Attempting to deal with very difficult issues will often do more harm than good. It is better to wait until your marriage is on a strong footing again.

Evaluating The True Issues: Once you have reconciled, you may want to revisit this “safety” issue. However, when you do, keep in mind that your husband’s description may not have been valid. Once your husband does not have your daily, steady influence in his life, he may find that he greatly values it. After all, there is a reason that he decided to marry someone who possessed it. Deep down, he knew that he needed stability in his life. Be careful that you don’t reject what is really an asset.

In truth, you can not change who you are. I am never going to become a risk taker. It is just not in my nature. But what I can do is to allow myself to take safe risks in order to have more fun in my life and in my marriage. This is ultimately what I chose to do once my husband and I reconciled. I asked myself if his complaints were valid. A few were. I am overly cautious and this sometimes meant that I didn’t participate in activities that my husband would enjoy. So when I caught myself hesitating to take safe risks, I stopped. As a result, we traveled more. I became somewhat more adventurous in my tastes and activities.

In some ways, I will probably never change. I am never going to throw money away or make risky investments. My conservative nature with money actually benefits my husband and saves him from his impulsive nature. But I have learned to strive for compromise. I now allow myself to turn down my conservatism when it comes to activities and outings that might enhance our marriage and increase the fun that we have together.

Perhaps this strategy could work for you? There’s more about how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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