Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, there are some wives out there who would do absolutely anything to be separated. And the reason for this is that these women are facing a divorce. So although no one really wants to be separated, sometimes it seems to be a pretty good alternative when the only other option would be a divorce. However, it’s not always easy to convince a husband who wants a divorce to take this option.

One of these wives might explain: “I am desperately trying to talk my husband into separating. I feel that this is the logical thing to do. Rushing into a divorce could be a big mistake that would be hard to undo. But if we separate, he can have his space and there is a chance that we may eventually decide divorce isn’t for us. But if he goes straight to pursuing a divorce, we are taking about the most drastic path without even trying to make it work. But when I try to explain this to my husband, he tells me that I’m just stalling and that a separation would only waste time and delay the inevitable. He said that a divorce or a separation would BOTH be a large adjustment.  He doesn’t understand why anyone would want to make the adjustment twice – once for separating and once for divorce. It drives me crazy that he is just willing to accept a divorce without a fight. How do I get him to see that his thinking is too drastic?”

This is a tough one. Because sometimes it seems as if the more you push for a separation, the more he resists and wants a divorce. So you end up getting him to pursue the divorce when your intention was exactly the opposite. It’s a very tough call to make – knowing how much you can push and when you absolutely need to back off.

Evaluate Where You Are:  I’d suggest asking yourself if you’ve already given the separation argument your best shot. Have you offered a short compromise with a set deadline? Sometimes, this is easier for him to take. Instead of just asking him to separate for an open ended period of time (which isn’t likely to be appealing to him,) try to ask him to give you a few months. This allows him to see that there is an end in sight if things don’t work out and it’s a decent compromise.

Divorce Is Not Instantaneous: If this doesn’t work and he is still resistant, there are a couple of things that you might keep in mind. First, divorce is not instantaneous. I’m certainly not an attorney, but my understanding is that in some states, some of the filings require a 30 day wait period. Plus, there is a wait between when one party files the documents and the next party responds. We’ll all heard of divorces taking a long period of time until they are complete. Also, some states require mediation and encourage counseling or parenting classes before the divorce process can be complete. This often helps, not only in terms of navigating the divorce, but with dealing with one another in a more positive way.

The Balancing Act: All of these things can help to buy you at least some time. Of course, you have to make the most of this time. I know that it’s tempting to try to use this time to argue or try to force him to see things your way. But I have learned from experience that this often does not work. You are better off, at least in my opinion and from what worked for me, to appear to cooperate so that you have access to him. And, then in a round-about and not-so obvious-way, trying different things in order to help your cause.

He likely will not be resistant to you because you are cooperating and since you will likely be getting along a little better because of this, you may have an easier time making headway. I know that it’s a hard balance – you have to take small baby steps as you are able in a tight time period before you are divorced. It does take some finesse.

But often times, we have to work with the situation that we have. And we have to watch him very closely to see what he is responding to and what he is not. When you get a good reaction, that is an indication to do more of whatever gave you the good reaction – as you are able to. When there’s a bad reaction, it doesn’t make sense to keep going down that path – especially when time is short.

In my case, what worked was the opposite of what I was inclined to do. I felt that I had to rush, and push, and panic. This made things so much worse. When I calmed down, appeared to cooperate, and gave him his space, that is when he opened up a little and that is when I could make my progress. Doing the opposite thing felt scary and wrong at times. But I honestly think that if I had kept pushing and arguing, I would not be married today. I honestly think that the combative and argumentative stance was the riskier approach. There’s more of this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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