Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: As women, we are trained and socialized to feel things deeply and to not be afraid to discuss these feelings. Men are socialized differently. Although times are definitely changing and men today discuss their feelings more deeply than their fathers and grandfathers did, most do not express them as often as their sisters and mothers.

This isn’t always a problem, except when you are dealing with a relationship where feelings (and expressing them) are vitally important as in the case of marriage. When you have a wife who deeply cares about sharing her feelings and then getting feedback on them, this difference in communication styles can create a real problem. Some of us not only want to express our feelings, but we want to know that we are heard. We want to know that we are understood. In short, we want, and we need, for our husband to validate our feelings. Because when this doesn’t happen, it can negatively affect our marriage and the connection that we share with our husbands.

It could be described in this way: “lately, I can not help but get the distinct vibe that my husband does not take my feelings seriously.  He has been doing a lot of things lately that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t make time for me or my marriage and he doesn’t make me feel special. He used to pay attention to these things when we first got married, but now he doesn’t. When I try to bring his attention to this, he literally laughs at me and says that I sure have high expectations. It is as if he does not accept my feelings as valid. This isn’t even limited to our marriage. He ignores my feelings about every day things.  I’m really getting upset about this, but when I try to talk to my husband about it, once again he tells me that I am overreacting and he doesn’t validate me all over again. This is causing serious problems. I get angry and he thinks that I am needy. I love my husband. But I do not want to go through life married to someone who acts as if I do not matter. I need to be with someone who highly values how I feel and is willing to listen and take me seriously.”

Achieving Perspective: I know that this must be frustrating. And you have every right to want to feel heard and cared for, especially in the relationship that is most important to you. I’ll offer some tips to try to help you make that happen. But before I do that, I’d like to try to put this into perspective. And I am not defending your husband. But I want to stress that this is a problem for many men and you’re seeing it doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t love you anymore or that he doesn’t love you as much. It just means that you have to encourage him to demonstrate behavior that may not come naturally to him because of his personality or his upbringing.

Men often are taught to downplay feelings and right now, you are trying to completely reverse this. It may feel foreign to your husband and he may not do everything perfectly. So you have to be patient and lap on the praise when he tries, but falls short. You may have to settle for a little less in the beginning and then just gradually work your way up from there. Because the last thing you want to happen is for your husband to feel as if you disapprove of his efforts, that he is not making you happy, and so he shuts down.

Pitfalls To Avoid While Giving Yourself Part Of What You Need: You have to be very careful that you do not make this sound like a criticism or so that it doesn’t come off like you think your husband isn’t doing a good enough job of giving you what you need. Along those same lines, I have come to learn that although I expect my husband to listen to me talk about my feelings and sympathize with me, sometimes I truly have to offer validation to MYSELF. Or get it from my girlfriends. Why? Because my husband is not a woman and therefore, he sees the world differently than I do. This doesn’t mean that he’s free to dismiss what I feel.  I expect him to listen and to experience things right along with me. But, as a man, he is not going to share my world view or completely understand everything that I am feeling. Men just process differently.

A Careful Way Of Phrasing Your Request: You have every right to ask for what you are not getting. But you want to frame it in a way that makes him willingly want to do better. You might try: “honey, I know that I can be sensitive and, as you put it ‘needy.’ But it’s very important to me that you listen when I try to share my feelings with you. I know that you aren’t going to feel the exact same things at the exact same times. And I am not expecting for you to solve all of my problems. But if you would just listen and tell me that you hear what I am saying and that you are trying to understand, that would mean the world to me. It’s a small change that I’m asking for, but I believe that it would change our marriage for the better.”

Mirroring Can Completely Change The Way That You Share Your Feelings: After expressing what you want, you want to begin learning how to mirror. Mirroring means that when you and your husband talk about something important, you get in the habit of repeating it back. So if I were to say to my husband: “I wish you weren’t working this weekend because I made plans last week and now they are ruined.” He’d say back. “If I’m hearing you right, you’re upset that we can’t spend time together this weekend because I have to work? Is that right?”

When I confirm that he understood me, he might say: “well, I have all day Sunday for us to do something.”

The idea is that by having the person repeat back what you’ve said, you not only feel heard, but you avoid any confusion about what you’re actually saying and you train yourself to find the compromise.

I find this to work very well because you are both having to learn a new skill. You are both having to work together. And the way that the conversation is framed, you can’t help but feel heard and validated and no one feels criticized.

I can’t tell you that my husband and I always communicate perfectly. But we have come a long way from the couple who couldn’t communicate at all during their separation.  Now, I am pretty sure that most of the time, he hears and understands me.  It took work though.  But it was worth it.  You can read more of our story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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