Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Few things strike fear into wives who want to save their marriages as much as a husband who actually walks out of the door and officially moves out. Sure, plenty of husbands threaten to do this. Thankfully, some only stay with friends or family for a few days. But others go so far as to actually get their own place. When your husband officially moves out so that, at least for right now, you are no longer sharing a residence, it is easy to assume that this act is the beginning of the end of your marriage.

A wife might comment, “My husband left me. He got his own apartment. Fortunately, he does not have a long-term lease. He can go month to month. So I try to take some solace in that. However, his apartment is very expensive. So he has invested a good deal of money and time into finding somewhere else that he would like to live. He seems happy there and also seems quite ready to close the page on me and this marriage. He honestly does not talk about this move as if it’s temporary. That said, he hasn’t filed for divorce. But he also hasn’t given me any reason to hope that he might one day return. Is there any chance of this at all? Could he eventually come back?”

I’ll tell you my take on this and try to offer hope that yes, some husbands do come back. But rather than counting on odds that aren’t always favorable, you can skew the circumstances in your favor by understanding a few realities that I’ll outline below.

Don’t Get Caught Up On The Bleak Statistics: Many wives want to know about the statistics or odds of their husbands coming back. If you’ve attempted to research this, you’ve likely found that there just aren’t many clinical or scientific studies out there. (And most of them are several years old.) However, from those that exist, I’ve seen numbers indicating that around 10 – 20% of couples reconcile. Although these numbers look bleak, there are some indications that up to around 40% of couples will make some attempt at reconciliation – which definitely looks a bit more promising.

I hesitate to put much faith in statistics. Every couple and every marriage is different. But if you’re looking for hope, you can look at the last statistic above and know that the odds are not terrible that you may be able to attempt a reconciliation at some point. And you can also understand that it makes sense to fully seize on this opportunity when it comes (since many couples don’t quite make it to total reconciliation, according to the first statistic.)

To be successful, it helps to understand what often has to happen for a husband to leap from unhappy and living by himself to hopeful and willing to move back in with you. I’ll try to shed some light on that right now. But understand that it isn’t impossible. I’ve done it (and believe me, it looked like my odds of success were very low.) And I know plenty of others who have also.

Understand What Needs To Happen For Him To Want To Move Back In: Many wives assume that for their husband to be willing to come back, they’re going to need to single-handedly solve every marital problem that exists before he’ll even consider a reconciliation. Thankfully, most of the time, this isn’t quite true. Yes, you’ll need to attempt to address the issues that are most problematic for him eventually. And most of the time, you do need to make progress significant enough to make your husband satisfied that there has been a meaningful change that will continue.

But often, the progress that has the most impact is the progress toward rebuilding the closeness, intimacy, and ease between you. I know that this sounds backward. I know it seems like you should solve the problems first so that the intimacy is free to return.

But in my experience, you will be more effective at dealing with your issues once and for all when you are deeply connecting with your spouse again. More importantly, if you can regain even some of the previous intimacy, you will suddenly find your husband receptive to working with you. He’ll suddenly listen to you when he would only ignore you before. He may even initiate communication and contact with you. And I can’t overstate how much this is half of the battle.

Like the wife above, so many wives are in a situation where their husband isn’t willing to offer them much hope or to make much of an effort. So you’re carrying the heavy load all on your own.

But once you get him contributing even a little, everything can change. And he’s often willing to make those contributions only after he begins to think favorably of you again, and starts feeling closer to you.

Start Small. Take A Tiny Step. And Then Another Toward Your Desired Path: One of the biggest mistakes that I see wives make (which I also made) was that they try to tackle too much immediately. These wives have a reluctant, non-participating husband and yet they try to push large, ambitious changes on him almost from the jump. I understand why you might want to do this. I did it myself. You think that you are running out of time, and you don’t have the luxury of waiting. But you have to be careful not to make things worse. If you do, not only will he not often participate in any meaningful way, but he will back even farther away than he already is.

Instead, make your goals and your steps smaller and easier to achieve. You’ll need some momentum to make this work, so make that goal easier by accepting that this will need to be gradual and that you will move forward every time that you can do so.

So initially, you might shoot for productive, upbeat phone calls. You’ll build on this so that every time you speak, you both have something positive to say and no one avoids or dreads talking to the other. Yes, this might mean that you have to be careful about topics of conversation at first. You may have to take on an upbeat tone that you don’t exactly feel.

But once you are sure that your non-face-to-face communications are always going well, then you can branch out to face-to-face, where you can work on making even more progress.

Keep it very simple. Strive for low-pressure exchanges that can be playful and bonding. You want him to feel good when he is around you and to miss you when he’s not. (In the end, this is the dynamic that is going to make him want to come back.)

Yes, you’ll need to be accessible and upbeat. Yes, you will need to work on yourself so that every time you interact with him, he’s dealing with the type of person who is easy to talk to and confide in. And you’ll need to demonstrate that your serious about making the progress that he’s been waiting to see all along. But you’ll need to do it in a genuine way that doesn’t feel manipulative.

Is this a tall order? At times, it can be. Sometimes he won’t react as you’d hoped and you’ll have to try again on another day. Other times, he may be hot and cold, and so you’ll doubt yourself.

That said, getting him home is not impossible. Yes, you might need some luck and some finesse. You’ll definitely need patience. But yes, men who move out do come back home each and every day. Don’t give up.

I was very close to giving up at times. I’m so grateful I didn’t.  But I also had to change strategies until I found one that my husband would accept.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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