Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are confused and frustrated by the mixed signals that their husband is giving off during a marital separation. Often, the wives are trying to prepare themselves for the worst. They sometimes figure that they have to be realistic so they admit, even to themselves, that their situation is not a good one. But often, when they share this admission with their husbands, he either denies that things are over or he sends them mixed signals, which can make an already frustrating situation even worse.

An example: “my husband moved out about six weeks ago. He has pretty much avoided me for most of the time we’ve been apart. He hasn’t reached out to me and he’s only called a couple of times concerning things that have to do with our children. I had pretty much accepted our marriage was over. When he dropped the kids off the other day, I mentioned that we should probably start preparing them for a divorce or the end of our marriage and my husband looked at me and said ‘what makes you think our marriage is over?’ I was stunned. I said ‘well, typically when people live apart, it’s over.’ He had no response and he hugged me when he left. Then he called me a few days later and asked to meet for coffee tomorrow. I don’t get it. He showed no interest whatsoever until I alluded to the fact it was over. Then he denied it was over and now he seems a little interested again. Why the mixed signals? I was preparing myself for it to be over. And I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I’m being honest, I’d like to save my marriage.”

There are many reasons that you might get mixed signals from a previously uninterested husband during the separation. I’ll offer some possible reasons in the following article.

He May Not See The Separation In The Same Way That You Do: Sometimes when men ask for time away to think or they ask for a little space, this is truly what they mean. Now, it’s not an unfair assumption to suspect that some men ask for space when really, they have every intention of asking for a divorce eventually. But this is not true in every instance. Some men really do want some space and, after they’ve taken it, they start to have some doubts or some change of heart.

Perhaps The Thought Of The Separation Being Permanent Has Just Become Real To Them: It was probably no coincidence that as soon as the wife said the words “prepare for divorce” or “the end of our marriage” suddenly the husband began changing his tune. Sometimes, hearing these words makes things seem more dire, immediate, and real.  And there are times when he suddenly realizes that perhaps he doesn’t want for it to be over after all, or at least he wants more time to think it through before just throwing in the towel and calling it over.

How To Proceed When Your Husband’s Saying It’s Not Over And Is Frustrating You With All His Mixed Signals: I know that you may well want to call your husband on this or demand more of an explanation, but try very hard not to overreact. Often, mixed signals are better than being served with divorce papers. And they are often a sign that he still has conflicting feelings, which can be a good thing.  You’d rather he have conflicting positive feelings than decisive negative ones.

I know it’s tempting to demand that he explain himself or clarify, but in my experience and observation, doing so puts you at risk for him giving you the clarification that you were not hoping for, especially since you are pushing or rushing him.

It’s often better to try to have as much patience as you can, but it’s also understandable that you want and needs to address this. A good compromise might be something like: “I was kind of surprised the other day when you said our marriage wasn’t necessarily over. I know that you are sorting a lot of things out and may have conflicting feelings. But I was glad to hear you hear you say that it’s not over. Because it’s not over for me either. Maybe if we are patient with one another and move slowly, we will begin to see some progress and things will continue to improve and become more clear. In the meantime, I hope that we can continue to see each other with the kids and present a united front for them.”

In this way, you aren’t putting any pressure on him and you are reassuring him that he’s not the only one with conflicting emotions. You’re also setting the stage to see more of him (in positive terms) in the near future. This will often help your cause so much more than demanding answers or accountability for his mixed signals.

To be honest, at the beginning of our separation, I actually would have welcomed mixed signals.  Initially, my husband seemed to have his mind made up.  As we made progress, I did begin to see those mixed signals and I was very careful to take things slowly because I knew that I was on shaky ground.  By taking this very slowly, we were able to reconnect and to make lasting changes that actually helped us save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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