Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse moves out, it can be an extremely scary time. It’s natural to assume that talks of a divorce might just be imminent. After all, a person who is happily married isn’t likely to move out. It’s a person who isn’t sure that they want their marriage anymore who just might. Often, the spouse who hasn’t moved out (and who is likely still invested in their marriage and who wants to save it) desperately wants to know if a divorce is forthcoming. But, they are understandably afraid to ask.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my heart broke when my husband left me. I knew that he wasn’t one hundred percent happy and that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to continue with our marriage. But I figured he would keep trying to make things work rather than just abruptly move out. Still, I know that I can not control what he does. So now I just have to try and make the best of it. He really doesn’t initiate seeing me all that much, although he does check in from time to time. Every time I hear a car door close outside of my house, I am sure that it is a process server getting ready to serve me with divorce papers. But so far, that has not happened. As best as I can tell, my husband has not filed for a divorce. I am reluctant to ask him if he is going to. My question is how do I know if he is going to file? Are there any signs that I should be looking for?”

Don’t Automatically Assume A Divorce Is Forthcoming: Not all people who leave their spouse or who initiate a separation are absolutely sure that they want a divorce. Some of them don’t yet know what they want. All that they are sure of is that they feel that they need a break from their current situation or they want to see if living apart for a while might change or improve things. That is not to say that they absolutely won’t want a divorce, because some do eventually file for one. But the point is that not every person who separates from or leaves their spouse is going to one day file for divorce. Some spouses do eventually reconcile and remain married.

Signs That He’s Considering Filing: As far as what signs to look for, they vary depending upon the people involved and depending on the marriage. You might see the person who moved out open up their own bank account or begin separating assets. You may see them begin to live their life as a single person. You may see them finding out about the process of taking you off of their insurance policies at work.  None of these things mean with absolutely certainty that you are going to get divorced.  But they may mean that he is thinking about it.

Trying To Prevent The Divorce That You Fear: If you are still invested in your marriage, there are some things that you can try in order to avoid a divorce. You can try to look very honestly at why your spouse might have left. If there are any problems that you can address or fix, then now is probably the time to attempt that. If you are able to regularly see or talk to your spouse, now is the time to take advantage of those opportunities to see if you can reestablish a connection.

People often ask me if they should just come right out and ask their separated spouse if he is going to pursue a divorce. That really does depend upon if you think you are going to be able to ask the question without making a bad situation worse. You don’t want to make it sound as if you are demanding an answer or necessarily want a quick resolution. And you don’t want to make it seem like you are pressuring him. Because all of these things can make the situation worse and can make him actually filing much more likely, even if that was never his intention right now.

If you feel like you have to ask, you might try something like: “believe me when I say that I’m not trying to pressure you at all. That is the last thing that I want. But, for planning purposes, I was wondering what your plans are going forward. Because I am hoping that there is still time for us to address what has made you so unhappy and to fix it. I don’t want our marriage to end. I’d like the opportunity to save it. And I hope that the fact that you haven’t yet filed for divorce means that I will have that opportunity.”

He may respond by offering you reassurance that he is not filing any time soon. Or, he may tell you that he just doesn’t know. If his response isn’t what you were hoping for, try very hard not to panic and apply any pressure. And realize that you do have the option of not even bringing this up if you think that it might make things worse. Because it’s important to remember that a separation does not guarantee a divorce. Many people (myself included) are able to avoid a divorce because they are able to improve their marriage during the separation.

I will admit that I did assume that I was getting a divorce when my husband moved out.  But I told myself that I would try some things before I gave up.  Ultimately, the things that I thought would work did not.  And the thing I thought would never work actually did.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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