Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are very frustrated by their spouse’s lack of effort to save their marriage. Very often, they are willing to do just about everything to get their marriage back on track, but their spouse doesn’t share in this sentiment. This often leaves a feeling of confusion because it’s unclear what the best next step would be.

Someone might say: “I knew that our marriage was in serious trouble. I knew that we were going to have to do some serious work to save it. But I never expected for my husband to just leave and move out without first making an effort. I had started researching counselors or classes we could take. But he didn’t even give me any chance to put anything into place. I came home from work and found a paltry note explaining he thought that it was best if he moved out for a while. I’m so angry and disappointed. I’ve done all this work for nothing. And it’s obvious that none of my plans are going to work when he’s not even going to cooperate. What can I do now?”

I understood why this wife was so upset. I too have been in a situation where it seemed like I was the only one who cared what happened to my marriage. This is a very lonely and scary place to be. But I can also tell you that even if it seems that your husband has no interest in cooperating now, this may eventually change, especially if you take control. I’ll explain this more below.

It’s Unfortunate That Your Spouse Didn’t Make An Effort Before He Left, But You Can’t Dwell On That Now: I know that you feel a bit cheated, but you can’t let your emotions get away from you right now. Because if you do, you may place your focus in a place where it shouldn’t be. Your primary goal right now should be making sure that the lines of communication between the two of you are completely open. You want to cultivate a friendly and welcoming relationship so that you will have access to your husband. The reason for this is that I believe that you can work on (and potentially save) your marriage even during a separation and even when your spouse doesn’t have a lot of interest in this process.

But, you’re going to have a much harder time doing this if your interactions with your husband are so contentious that your relationship is quickly deteriorating. And when you place your focus on how he acted too quickly and let you down, then you make this disconnect much more likely.

So while I know that I’m asking a lot of you when I suggest that you put your frustration aside and focus instead on your relationship, I’m still making this suggestion because I believe that it’s vital to saving your marriage.

Don’t Attempt To Solve Every Problem That You Have Instantly: I understand that you feel very vulnerable right now. In fact, it’s common to believe that you are only mere weeks away from losing your husband and your marriage. But, if you rush this process, you make it more likely that you will fail.

The fact that your husband has already moved out is a good indication that he’s frustrated by all of the work that needs to be done. So, you can’t hope to sit down and talk a couple of times and then expect that you can immediately suggest that things are fine and he should come home.

You might have to accept very gradual progress right now. You may move at a frustratingly slow pace. But you know what? Often, the more slowly and steadily you move, the better the chances are going to be that your husband is actually going to believe in this change and is actually going to be convinced that it’s possible to save your marriage. If all of a sudden you come up with all of the answers overnight, he’s understandably going to be skeptical.

But, if you slowly build on small and real successes he just might slowly come around and see that the work he thought was in vain is actually effective enough to truly change your marriage.

Don’t Ask Him To “Work.” Instead Show That Any Improvements Benefit You Both: I believe that sometimes, it is all in how you package this. No one wants to be asked to do additional “work.” But everyone wants to know about something that can benefit them and make them happier. So instead of scolding your husband for not “working” on your marriage, show him with your actions and not your words that the improvements that you are making will benefit him and will make him happy. When you can show him that he’s not having to work all that hard and he’s enjoying the benefits instead, he is much more likely to cooperate.

These suggestions are born out of my own experience.  I had to use this strategy during my own separation.  Yes, this was a slow process.  But it eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read the story of our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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