My Husband Moved Out After A Fight That Didn’t Even Seem That Bad
There are different things that will cause or stimulate a marital separation. Some couples drift apart and begin to question their marriage. Other spouses have very big and troublesome issues to overcome. And then there is a small subset of people who are sort of scratching their heads because the stimulus for their separation seems so petty and small. One example is that of the fight that seemed to be about nothing but became a serious threat to the marriage.
A wife might describe the fight like this, “my husband and I were driving to a family dinner to his parents. We’d had a terrible week and neither of us wanted to go to this dinner, so we bickered the whole way. Before I knew it, things had escalated so badly and then my husband slammed his fists on the steering wheel and said ‘I am done with this marriage.’ I thought he was just being a baby, so I said under my breath, ‘sure you are.’ Then he responded with ‘you’ll see.’ That night as soon as we got home, he packed his bags and left. He has not been back since. He says that he wants a separation because we fight too much. We do fight, but it’s always about silly things and then we both take it too far. I think that it’s ridiculous that now our marriage might end because we were bickering during a car ride, but apparently, my husband doesn’t see it this way.”
Believe it or not, what you’re experiencing is not uncommon. I hear from a lot of people who separated after just one weird fight. I am not sure if it will help, but I have a couple of theories as to why this happens. I also have some suggestions as to what you can attempt to do about it.
Why That One Fight Might Lead To A Separation: Most experts will tell you that it’s not likely that one fight is truly the cause of your separation. Rather, it is the underlying issue or issues that this one fight represents. Perhaps this is an issue that you just haven’t been able to effectively deal with. Perhaps the fight is shedding light on the anger and resentment that are just below the surface or your marriage. Often, it is just the cumulation of things that have built up prior to the fight. My grandmother used to say that a fight about taking out the trash or replacing the toilet paper is not about either one of those things. She used to say that if you looked really hard, you could always find the underlying cause, but she insisted that it was never about household chores.
One more issue to consider is HOW you fight. I once had a therapist tell me that she could predict separation or divorce based on how a couple fought in her office. She said that if a couple tended to tear one another down and personally attack, then there was a very high indication that this style of fighting would eventually damage the marriage. She stressed that it’s important to direct your frustration at the issues – and not at your spouse. For example, it’s understandable to be frustrated when you don’t have time to handle yet one more obligation for your spouses’ parents, but don’t make your frustration personal to your spouse because it’s his parents that you are talking about.
So if your fighting style is one of attack rather than negotiation, it’s very important to change that, or you might always have these reoccurring issues.
Moving Forward: I understand why it feels unfair to potentially lose your marriage over one incident, but try to see this as an opportunity to get to the root of the problem underneath that fight. As I said before, the separation is probably not due to one fight, so reconciling might not come down to just forgiving each other for the fight. You want to take this opportunity to address whatever needs addressing so that you don’t end up facing the same old issues down the road. One way to begin to do this is to try to soothe the high drama that is going on right now. Time should definitely help, but when you talk to or communicate with your spouse, try to be calm and empathetic. If you feel that you owe your spouse an apology for your part in the fight, this is not the time to hold back. Sincerely apologize. Acknowledge that things got out of hand and tell him that you want to do better moving forward. Make it a point to stay in close contact and to get along with a spirit of cooperation. You don’t need to talk about your problems before the time is right and before you are ready. But as things calm down between you, you’ll want to address what contributed to the blow up that caused the separation. A counselor is probably the most efficient way to do this, but having a loving and honest conversation is a good place to start.
The good news is that when a spouse truly overreacts after a fight, he will often calm down and realize it. If there are truly no huge underlying issues, finding your way back to your marriage may just require a lot of honest conversation. But if there was a long lead up and the fight is just the icing on the cake, then consider counseling or further examination. This is your marriage that we are talking about. It’s important to be honest and to eliminate what is contributing to the issues so that you can heal, reconcile, move on, and have a healthy and happy marriage.
My husband and I did have a string of fights before our separation. But I think that the distance that had developed between us meant that we could no longer shrug off minor things or feel the empathy that was needed to just move on. We did separate, but thankfully I learned a few things that helped us to reconcile. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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