Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who had quite mixed feelings. As one example, a wife’s husband had left her about eight months ago. She was absolutely devastated when he left. There were days that she didn’t even want to get out of bed or carry on with her regular life. But, somehow, she put one foot in front of the other each and every day and kept going. Over time, she began to cope more effectively all of the time. This is not to say that she didn’t want her husband back. She did. But, she was just beginning to get used to living alone, and she was having a hard time understanding why he suddenly wanted to come back when nothing had changed.

She said, in part: “Eight months ago, when he left, I would’ve done anything to get him home. I begged him to stay. I promised to get counseling and to make some real changes, but he would hear none of this. He wasn’t even in constant contact with me. We haven’t done any work on the marriage. Nothing has changed. So, why, out of the blue, does he suddenly decide that he wants to come back? It doesn’t make a lot of sense. And, now I’m afraid that he wants to come back because he’s lonely or because he just wants to save some money. With that said, I do love him and want to stay married to him. But I’m conflicted. What should I do?”

This situation is not all that uncommon. Very often, as soon as the wife in the scenario starts to accept that she’s going to live her own life, the husband who left suddenly becomes interested again. It’s almost as if when you start to lose interest in begging him to become home, suddenly you are that much more interesting to him. And, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he wants to know what has made you change strategies. Do you not love him anymore? Are you moving on? Have you found someone better?

I did understand the wife’s reluctance. Nothing had changed, and her husband’s change of heart was very abrupt. Still, she needed to ask herself what she really wanted out of this situation. And what she really wanted was her husband back. But, she wanted him back in a healthy way where there had been meaningful changes that would make them both feel much better about the chances that their marriage would not only survive but thrive. I told the wife that nothing said she had to let him move back in before she was comfortable with this. There was nothing wrong with having a meaningful and honest conversation that might help to make her more comfortable moving forward in a gradual way.

When Your Husband Abruptly Wants To Come Home, It’s Best To Take It Slowly: As I alluded to, no one said that the wife had to let the husband come home that very day or even the next. There was no reason for her to feel pressured. However, she was afraid that if she hesitated, then her husband might change his mind. In short, she felt that she had to handle this correctly so that he would actually follow through and come home.

I understand these concerns. But, I felt strongly that if the wife invited him home without both of them laying their cards on the table and defining how and why things are going to change, then they are just setting themselves up for disappointment (and possibly for him leaving again) later on. There was nothing wrong with the wife very directly addressing her concerns.

She might say something like: “You know that I would love for you to come back home when we’ve worked some things out. But I’m concerned that we are moving too quickly. And I suspect that if we move too quickly, we might both be disappointed with the results. I want you to come home to a marriage that can be healthy and happy and that is going to last forever. So, why don’t we take it slowly and see if we can make some lasting improvements that mean this is the last time we need to have this conversation?”

Setting It Up So That Your Marriage Is Healthy Enough For You Both To Want Him To Come Home: The last thing you want to do is to allow her husband to come home too soon so that the both of you are fighting and right back to where you started within days of your living under the same roof again. Sometimes, you are better off just taking the large issues off the table until you can reconnect in a meaningful way and feel that your marriage is back on track. Because trying to work through your biggest problems before you are reconnected and invested again will usually only lead you to failure and disappointment.

Instead, take things very slowly and just focus on spending light-hearted and enjoyable time together. You can build on each small encounter because you have set it up so that the pressure is low and you’re both anticipating spending more time together. This sets it up so that you both want more and you’re both invested to see how everything is going to turn out without the pressure of living under the same roof, but being afraid that something is going to mess things up for good.

The real key is to just take it slowly until you reach the point where it’s very obvious that you both want your husband to come home for good. You want to reach the point where the relationship has become healthy enough that resuming your marriage and his coming back home to you is the next logical step. And you want to get to the place where you are confident that this is the last time you will need to deal with this because your issues have been resolved and because you are both equally invested in (and happy with) the marriage.

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