Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives struggle with how to address their husband’s lies. Sometimes, these lies have to do with very important things like money, fidelity, and the marriage itself. Other times, the lies themselves aren’t about serious or deal-breaking topics, but the fact that he continuously lies to you when he has no reason whatsoever not to tell you the truth drives you crazy and is becoming a big problem within your marriage. Sometimes, it comes down to a matter of respect and decency. And you begin to wonder if he is lying to you about the little things, does this also mean that he is lying to you about the big things. And, if so, what does this mean about how he feels about you and the status and future of your marriage? And what does this say about whether you can trust him or not?

One of these wives could describe it this way: “my husband lies about nearly everything and this happens all of the time. I catch him in white lies and major lies constantly. Sometimes, he doesn’t tell me the truth about tiny little things that make no difference – like he’ll claim that he gassed up the car when he didn’t or he’ll even tell me he went somewhere for lunch when in fact he was at work the whole time. Occasionally though, I will catch him in big lies. Like he will claim he paid a credit card bill when in fact he didn’t. And we’ll get a late notice and have to pay finance charges and he’ll pretend that he has no idea why the payment was late and he’ll deny that he told me he paid it. I live like this all of the time and I am so very tired of it. I wouldn’t tolerate a friend or coworker lying to me this much, but I am just supposed to tolerate this or tell myself that it is not that bad. I don’t understand why he feels the need to lie to me all of the time. It’s so disrespectful and it makes me think he’s not a good person and that he doesn’t have a lot of integrity. Quite frankly, I’m starting to wonder if I want to stay married to someone who doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. Isn’t that what married couples are supposed to do? I wouldn’t lie to him, so why does he tell me untruths nearly every single day?”

There probably isn’t one decent answer to these questions. Because there can be many reasons that people lie. Sometimes, it is just in their personality. Sometimes, they just get into the habit of doing so because they think they have something to hide. And other times, they just get a weird thrill in trying to see if they can get away with it. In the following article, I will offer some tips and advice as to how the wife might effectively handle a husband who lies so much she wonders if she can trust him.

Try To Determine Why He Feels The Need To Lie All Of The Time: The wife admitted that the husband had not always been a liar. When they were dating, he told the truth and didn’t exhibit this type of behavior. So one has to wonder what had changed. Was their marriage in trouble? Had they developed truth issues? Was there a reason that the husband felt that he could not confide in his wife? Was his untruths a passive-aggressive way of punishing or frustrating his wife? I encouraged the wife to try to think back to when the lying first started and see if there were troubles or issues that may have contributed to it. And, if those same issues are present today, then dealing with and removing the issue could be the first step in stopping the lies.

Let Him Know The Lying Bothers You And Call His Attention To It When It Happens: This wife admitted that she didn’t always call her husband on his lies because it seemed to do no good anyway. He would just roll his eyes and tell her that she was nagging him or he would insist that she was making a huge deal out of something that wasn’t a big deal at all since he wasn’t stretching the truth about important things.

Frankly, the wife had no way to know if he was being truthful about the content and severity of his lies. So, you certainly couldn’t blame the wife for doubting what he was telling her. I felt strongly that the wife had to make a stand.

I’d suggest a dialog like: “honey, we both know that what you are telling me isn’t true. And we both know that you often tell me things that are not true. This bothers me more than I can tell you. And I just can’t tolerate it anymore. Can we talk about why you might feel the need to tell me what is other than the truth? Because I can’t continue to have conversations with you that include untruths. It’s showing me a lack of respect and it hurts me. Plus it erodes the trust that we need to have a good marriage. Can we talk about why you might be doing this and how we can fix it? More than anything, I want us to have an open, honest, and lasting marriage. Will you help me to make that happen? Will you work with me?”

Consider Obtaining Help For Him If Your Efforts Don’t Work: There was every possibility that there was some underlying issue in this couple’s marriage that was motivating the husband to be less than truthful sometimes. Hopefully, once the couple addressed those issues, the honesty issue would improve greatly. However, if improvements did not happen, then the couple might want to seek professional help to get them over the hump. There are many different types of counseling and help. You don’t always have to go to someone’s office and bare your soul.

But it was so important that this couple addressed this issue because it was seriously affecting their marriage and the wife wasn’t sure how much longer she could tolerate this. Frankly, she should not be expected to tolerate it indefinitely. Telling the truth is a common courtesy that most of us give to basic acquaintances and even strangers, so we should most certainly also give it to our spouse.

I have seen many couples struggle to save their marriage because of lying. Untruths weren’t what detailed our marriage, but it did factor into our recovery. And some basic tools allowed us to strip our marriage down to its core so we could heal it. If it helps, you can read about that entire process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin