Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s pretty fair to say that wives who are separated and trying to save their marriage are often willing to do just about anything to make this happen.  It’s a cliche that “all is fair in love and war” but when you are staring a divorce right in the face, you’re generally not about to make distinctions.   And, one way that wives attempt to level the playing field or to give themselves a slight advantage is to attempt to make their husband jealous.

I recently heard from a wife, who said in part: “my husband left me six weeks ago.  He is living with his old college roommate.  Although he has made no attempts to move forward with a divorce, he’s also made no attempts to spend much time with me to reconnect or save our marriage.  He is polite enough when we speak or meet, but he never goes beyond bland pleasantries and this is becoming so frustrating to me.  I’ve started to think that maybe I should try to make him jealous.  I’m very close friends with a guy at work and this has always driven my husband crazy.  I thought that maybe if my husband thought I had begun to go out with this guy as more than just friends that might make him jealous and be the little push he needs to become interested in me again.  Is this a good idea?”

The jealousy strategy is a very tricky one because although I have seen it work very well, I have also seen it backfire just as well.  I believe that it can work if you do it correctly and with a lot of restraint, which I will discuss more below.

Things To Avoid When You’re Trying To Make Your Husband Jealous While Separated: I’ve had wives confess to me that they’ve actually made up a fictional boyfriend or suitor in an attempt to make their husband jealous.  In other words, the wife has made up a nonexistent but perfect guy whose sole purpose in life is to get some reaction out of their husband.

This usually backfires because it’s just not realistic to think that you can keep this up for any length of time.  And if your husband even suspects that what you are saying isn’t true, your integrity and perceived attractiveness will likely plummet rather quickly, especially in your husband’s eyes.

So, you never want to make outrageous claims that are outright lies and you never want to seem desperate or too eager to tell your husband all of the juicy details.  If it’s apparent that you just can’t wait to spill the beans about the new man in your life, the alarm is probably going to sound in your husband’s head.   And when it does, you might be very disappointed to hear him say that he hopes that you and your new man will be very happy together.  It’s for this reason that you want to be scarce (rather than generous) with the details.

The Illusion Of Someone Else Is Much Better Than The Reality Of Someone Else: Most of the time, when I see the jealousy strategy work, it works when the wife is able to make the husband think that there might be someone else by what she doesn’t say instead of by what she says.  In order for this to play out in the best way possible, your husband should be the one to broach whether you are seeing someone else.  If you yourself announce it, then the impact is lost.

If you aren’t sure how to go about this or you have your doubts that your husband is even going to care,  it’s best to just start to act “as if” you are happier.  Make sure that you’re dressed up and wearing a smile when you interact.  At some point, he might ask you what you’re so excited about and what has changed.  It might be very tempting to tell him that a special someone has brought about the change, but that would be your desperation showing.

Instead, smile and say something like “I’ve just decided to look at the bright side of things and to live my life.  Although things aren’t going as well as I’d like between us, there are other aspects of my life that are working out better so I’m feeling pretty optimistic. ”  Now at this point, your husband might straight up ask you if there is anyone else.  Trust me when I say that you are better off telling him that you’re seeing all types of male and female friends.  You don’t want to make any romantic claims or do any bragging.  You want to stick with the story that you’re just hanging out with various friends.  But you want to keep the mysterious smile and leaving him wondering.  His own mind will often do a good job of painting the desired picture.

The beauty of this plan is that, when you do get back together, you don’t really have any explaining to do and there are no true elephants in the room.  In the above scenario, if this wife’s husband did come back, there would likely be resentment about the male coworker.  And there would potentially be an issue with her continuing to work with him.  However, if she just allowed her husband to draw his own conclusions without making any claims, then later, she would have nothing to defend.  She would continue to say that she was just trying to make the best of things while going out with friends who offered her some support and relief, even though no romance was involved.   The idea is that the real romance is all in your husband’s head (although he doesn’t need to know that at the time)  so that you have nothing to be sorry for later.

To be honest, I kind of lucked into this strategy when I was trying to save my own marriage.  It worked wonderfully (and was the only thing that did work) but it never was my master plan all along.  If it helps, you can read about how this jealousy drama played out, on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin