Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be a very tough blow when your spouse leaves you. But the blow can feel even worse when the reason that your husband gives for leaving seems personal. One example is when he tells you that he believes that there might be someone “better” for him in the outside world.

Someone might explain: “I was heartbroken when my husband told me that he was leaving me to pursue a martial separation, but I hurt even more when he told me why. When I demanded an explanation, I expected for him to try to gently explain that he just needed some time to himself. After all, we haven’t really been fighting. We are not as close as we used to be and I know that my husband doesn’t feel that we are always compatible. But I did not think that these small problems would amount to me potentially facing a separation or divorce. Instead of offering reassurances, my husband confessed that he was leaving because deep in his heart, he feels that ‘there is better out there’ for him. He is basically saying that he thinks that he will eventually find someone who is more suitable for him and therefore he will have the happiness that he deserves. He says that he wants a relationship that isn’t so hard. When I told my sister what my husband said, she was furious. She said that I should let my husband try to find better than me and then he will quickly determine that I am too good for him. She said how dare he act as if I am not good enough. I see what she is saying. And I am also offended at my husband’s words. But deep down, I wonder if perhaps he is right. My husband is a very good looking man. He is very funny and generous. Many women would be happy to have my husband. So I don’t doubt that many pretty, capable, and sweet women might one day be interested in my husband. But I am interested in him, too. He is mine. And it breaks my heart to think that he might find someone else. I don’t want him to even look for someone else. This makes me so sad.”

I totally get the sadness. I felt it myself. But I want to stress that sadness does not always attract your husband back to you. I know this from unfortunate experience. It’s normal and okay to feel sad. But sadness should not be the primary thing that you are projecting when you are around your husband, especially when you want him back. I realize that he already knows that you are sad. But men are most attracted to women who are capable and who respect themselves.

Why Projection Is So Important: I totally understand how you feel. But, as best as you can, you want to try to downplay these negative feelings around your husband. As unfair as it is, your fear might make your husband think that you’re aware that you’re not the best fit for him, which is exactly the opposite of what you want (and is also probably the opposite of what you think.) As much of a challenge as it can be to pull off, in my experience, the best attitude to project is one of quiet confidence. You want for your husband to think that while you are sad that it has come to this, at the end of the day, you’re sure that you are the right person for your husband and that one day, he will come to learn this.

Incidentally, him learning that you are right for him is not just wishful thinking. It is a real possibility. In my experience and observation, many men initially are sure that they are going to be happier separated and then they quickly learn that this was just not the case. The grass seems greener on the other side of the fence – until they find out that it is not.

Letting Him Know How You Feel While Projecting Confidence: In the meantime, I think it never hurts to be clear about your wishes moving forward. Because if you are only going to separate, you are still legally married and, I would think, would want to stress being faithful. You might try: “It’s upsetting to hear you say that you think that there may be someone better for you. I don’t agree. And I believe that we can fix our marriage, if given a chance. I hope that you come to this conclusion also. In the meantime, I want to make it absolutely clear that I still consider us married. I intend to be completely faithful and will use this time to work on myself and consider what I want. I hope that you feel the same way. A separation is not a divorce.”

Hopefully, he already understands this distinction. But it is better to be safe than sorry and to get this out in the open. Dealing with a separation has its challenges, but it’s very difficult when you have a spouse who is actively dating. You want to avoid this if at all possible so that it frees him up to focus on you and you alone. You’ll also want to very carefully show him the best version of yourself whenever you speak to or see him. You want to keep reminding him that you ARE the one for him and that there most definitely is NOT better out there. And you have every right to expect him to be faithful until then.

I was always terrified that my husband would date others during our separation because he seemed so unhappy.  While I know that he went out with all sorts of friends, to my knowledge he did not actively date or cheat.   And I can say with confidence that when I changed my strategy to show upbeat confidence rather than fear, he became much more receptive to (and intrigued by) me.  And I do believe that this made all of the difference in our being able to reconcile.  There’s more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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