Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are feeling very vulnerable and unsure after their spouse has left their home. This is a difficult situation to begin with. But, it can be even more difficult when it appears that your spouse is happier for having left you. This can make you question if he will ever come back, or if you even want him to, since his life appears to have received a temporary upgrade without you in it.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been telling me that our marriage makes him unhappy for months. He says that I am always bringing him down with my attitude and with my nagging. I have tried to improve, but it is hard for me to act like someone who I am not. So I wasn’t surprised to come home from work and find that he had left. At least he left a note telling me that he was sorry, but that living with me was making him feel less happy than he should be. I didn’t call him at first. I knew that there wasn’t a whole lot to say. And I figured it was too early to start to change his mind. I decided that the best course of action would be to give it a week or so and then check in. And this is exactly what I did. But when I called him and asked him how he was doing, he told me that he felt free. He said that it was as if a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer feels as if he is walking on egg shells around me. He said he can’t imagine ever going back to living with the anxiety that I bring. This hurt very much. I know that I can be a little overbearing and he’s told me that living me with me brings on anxiety in him. But, I had no idea that he would seem so euphoric to be away from me. Does this mean that my marriage is over? I can’t imagine him ever wanting to come back now.”

Know That His Euphoria Might Be Temporary: I think that it is way too early to throw in the towel. Sure, he may be feeling some relief right now. But, this isn’t at all uncommon. That doesn’t mean that he is going to always feel this way. Actually, sometimes, this euphoria eventually turns to loneliness once the novelty wears off. I can’t promise you that this is what will happen in this case, but I think that it is possible. With that said, you can help this process along.  You can attempt to make some positive changes.  They may or may not make a difference where your marriage is concerned.  But only positive things can come from taking inventory and making necessary changes.

Determining What He Finds So Objectionable And Then Deciding What You Want To Change: Frankly, this husband had always given his wife plenty of clues as to why he was so unhappy. For whatever reason, his wife sometimes made him feel anxious and depressed. The husband wasn’t the only person that the wife had heard this from. Other people in her life had said similar things. So, as hurtful as it might be initially, it was important for the wife to take an honest look at her behavior to see what needed to change. This might be a little painful, but the potential outcome justifies the discomfort.

There are often positives and negatives to most behaviors. On the one hand, seeing problems before they arise can be an advantage. It means that you are rarely caught unaware. However, when you take it so far that it’s keeping you from being close to others because you are often anxious and expecting the worst, then it becomes a disadvantage. You don’t want for the people who you love to feel tension just from being around you. So, it’s time to be honest and ask yourself where you can tone it down. The idea is not to change yourself. This rarely works. If you have to pretend with your spouse or can’t be your authentic self, then this isn’t ideal either. Instead, you want to strike a balance. You want to be true to yourself while being pleasant to be around – for both yourself and for others.

Allowing Your Spouse To See Authentic Glimpses Of The New You: So, once you’ve taken an honest inventory and made genuine and appropriate changes, how do you let your spouse know? Frankly, many people will just want to make a grand announcement. They’ll want to proudly proclaim how much they have changed in order to assure their spouse that it is time to come home. This is rarely as effective as you might have hoped. Your spouse knows that you are going to claim a transformation simply because you’re want him to come home. So he is naturally going to doubt your claims.

This isn’t what you want. Instead, you want to show him change with your behaviors rather than tell him with your claims. This is so much more effective and it comes off as much more authentic. It’s very important that he actually believes your claims so that he eventually feels that it is appropriate to come home.

I have to tell you that none of this happens overnight. It is usually a gradual process. You have to have some patience in order for those feelings of freedom to pass. And you need to let him naturally begin to see you in a new light as you begin gradually interacting and showing new aspects of yourself. However, although this is gradual, it is very effective.

I know that it hurts to hear him say that he feels free. But it doesn’t need to be permanent. Have patience, take inventory, and try to present yourself as someone who wants him to be happy rather than someone who resents his freedom.

My husband was honestly relieved once he left.  He felt that I wasn’t listening to him and that living with me was making him unhappy.  It took a long time before I was ready to take an honest look at what was wrong.  But that made all the difference.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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