Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:   Having a husband leave your home and then wondering if you are going to end up separated as a result, (or worse, divorced,) can be an awful, scary feeling.   However, many wives have an additional fear on top of all of this – the worry that the husband will quickly find someone else before the wife can even attempt to make things right.  She might say, “I can’t say that I am completely surprised that my husband left.  He has been hinting about this for several weeks.  He told me last night that he would be moving out today, which he did.  We have been struggling for several months.  I had hoped that he would accompany me to counseling, but I guess he could not wait that long.  He insists that he may one day be open to a reconciliation if things improve between us.  I desperately want this also, but I worry that it will not be possible.  Although we have theoretically agreed not to see other people, I worry that my husband will become tired of waiting for improvements and will eventually replace me with someone else if the separation does not go as planned.  As far as I know, my husband has never been unfaithful to me.  And I do not think that he plans to start now.  However, women have always chased my husband.  He is a great looking man and he’s also very charismatic.  I worry that once word gets out that we are on a break, women are going to actively go after him.  Sure, he may resist this initially, but as time goes on, I truly worry that he will eventually give in and, since we all know that new relationships can seem so wonderful, he may think that he can be happier starting over.  How can I counter this when we have so much work ahead of us?”

Putting Things In Perspective: I know how tempting it can be to assume the worst.  I did the same. But I also learned that sometimes when you are so actively concentrating on what you fear, you can actually make that thing more likely.  Your fear affects your behavior and your actions.  This process can contribute to things going wrong more than it aids them in going right.  Also, it may feel as if you have no control over your husband’s path, but actually you do.

I understand that it can feel as if you have tons of work to do, but I would suggest NOT attempting to do the heavy lifting immediately.  Initially, you are just attempting to be comfortable around one another and work within the boundaries of the separation.  Things may feel (and be) very fragile.  Dissecting your marriage or attempting to make huge changes can be dangerous when you are already in a fragile situation.  In the beginning, just try to maintain a positive rapport.  Try to laugh and be comfortable around one another.  I made the grave mistake of pushing too hard too early and my husband began to avoid me in response.  I had to completely regroup and I began to have the very modest goal of just ensuring that each conversation or contact went well so that both of us would want to do it again and again.  Sometimes, this meant that we actually communicated less, even when I wanted to communicate more.  I learned to be patient and to maintain a playful, upbeat attitude so that my husband actually enjoyed our interactions.  This was a HUGE about-face for me.  And at times, it felt wrong. But this was the plan that actually worked with my husband.  Because it did not make him feel pressured or watched.  It made him feel comfortable.  And this had been missing from our marriage.

Minimizing The Chance That He Will Meet Someone Else: Granted when you are separated, you can’t be with your husband 24/7.  Some of it is out of your hands, which is even more reason to control what you can – the interactions that you have with him and the improvements that you can reasonably make.  If he won’t go to counseling right now, nothing says that you can’t or that you can not find some great self-help to improve YOUR part of the marriage.  I did this even when I was unsure if it would make any difference because I felt that I was out of other options. And these small acts made a big difference.  My husband most definitely noticed and he was more receptive to me.  Of course, I did have to relent and give him more space and this was very, very difficult.  But I had to present it like I was trying to help my husband get what he needed at that time.  I had to present that I wanted him to be happy.   I had to be his ally instead of his adversary.  Once I learned this, it did make a huge difference in how my husband viewed me so that he no longer avoided me.  Needless to say, this very likely was a defense against him going out with other people.  He could begin to see that there might still be a chance to make his relationship with me work.

As long as your husband thinks that there is some hope for your marriage, he has much less of a chance to seek that same relationship somewhere else – regardless of what women do or how they act.  The worst play here would be to allow your insecurity about this to cloud your actions.  A husband who isn’t sure what he wants often will not react positively to a clingy wife who is demanding answers or reassurances.  Yes, you do deserve some answers, but you have to be very crafty about how you seek this out.  And, if you maintain a good and playful relationship with your husband, he will sometimes offer up this very willingly.

I do completely understand this fear, but don’t underestimate the advantage that your history and your knowledge of your husband gives you.  Remember that you know this man better than anyone.  You know what he wants and needs.  You know that he is open to a reconciliation.  Now is the time to put those two things together so that he will have no need or desire to react to any of these other women.

I did worry that my husband would meet someone else.  Thankfully, this was not a factor.  But, my own mistakes were most definitely a factor.  Thankfully, I changed course before it was too late.  You can read the rest of this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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