Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to gauge their separated husband’s feelings and attitude toward them and the marriage.  Quite often, the spouse who has been left is the spouse who wants a reconciliation the most. And, making that happen is always at the center of their thoughts.  But the spouse who left may not be so sure that a reconciliation is in the cards.  And this can cause a lot of doubt and second guessing.

I heard from a wife who said: “about three weeks ago, my husband abruptly left me.  We had been arguing about his god son.  It seems so silly now but his god son is an addict and we were allowing him to live with us in order to get back on his feet.  Well, not only is he still using, he has stolen from us.  I got to the point where I was very tired of this situation and I called his parents and told them that they would have deal with their son because my husband and I just didn’t have the skills to deal with something that wasn’t getting any better.  This infuriated my husband.  He felt that this wasn’t my decision to make and he feels that the way that we both handle conflict is very different.  So he got so mad at me that he packed his bags and left.  So I am in this empty house without any god son and without any husband.  My husband and I talk on the phone sporadically.  Sometimes things and tense and sometimes they are OK.  The other day, my husband and I went out to lunch and things seemed to be going pretty well between us. I asked him if he would ever consider a reconciliation because it’s sad that we are throwing our marriage away over this conflict which isn’t even centered on us. He said that he wasn’t thinking about a reconciliation, but that anything is possible in life.  He then abruptly changed the subject. When I told my sister about this, she said that she wouldn’t get her hopes up.  She said that it seemed like he was letting me down easy.  Is she right?  Do I have reason to have hope?  Or am I just seeing things that aren’t there?”

I would never encourage anyone to give up on their marriage when there is even a shred of hope. (And I personally believe that most of the time, there is that shred of hope.) I didn’t know either person personally.  But if I were to take this husband’s statement literally, I would think that what he meant was that although he wasn’t planning to come home to try to save the marriage in the immediate future, he might consider it if the circumstances changed enough to make him feel comfortable doing that.  I will expand on this idea more below.

Understand That There Is Often More Than One Issue: The wife was assuming that the core issue here was the god son and the stress that he put on their household and on their marriage.  And sure, he probably did cause stress and tension.  But, most of the time, it is a mistake to assume that one single and isolated issue is the cause of the separation.  Because the crux of the separation was probably more complex than this.

The husband kept harping on how this couple dealt with conflict differently.  This told me that the god son situation merely highlighted an issue that had long been a problem.  It was the stimulus thought boiled this situation over. The wife assumed that since the god son had moved out, then they should be able to pick up their marriage and move on.  And the husband’s reluctance to do just that may have had to do with the fact that he suspected it wasn’t as simple as that because he knew that there were underlying issues that the wife wasn’t acknowledging.  That’s why he wouldn’t give her any real or concrete answer about the future of their marriage.  He wanted to see real contemplation and potential change before he was even willing to think in those terms.

Keep The Hope That He Has Given You But Be Realistic About The Need For Change:  I don’t think it’s silly or naive to hear the positive message that he is sending you.  He had said that anything was possible and most people would agree that this means that a reconciliation is a possibility.  But, at the same time, he had made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen tomorrow or even soon.  And you could take this implication to mean that before he even entertained the idea of a reconciliation, he wanted to watch, wait, and take inventory as things unfolded.  And in order to swing the pendulum in her favor, the wife could be very proactive and start to explore the issue of conflict resolution.  Because even if the god son was out of their lives (which frankly wasn’t very likely) there are always other issues on the horizon. And until you learn how to handle these issues in a positive way, then your marriage is always going to be vulnerable.  And you both deserve better.

When my husband first left, I thought that the entire issue related to only one thing.  I figured if I could remove that one obstacle, then I could get my husband home.  How wrong I was.  The fact that I couldn’t see all of the intertwined issues just frustrated my husband even more and made him think that I “just didn’t get it.”  Honestly, it wasn’t until I was willing to take a very honest look at reality that things began to change and I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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