My Husband Left. Does He Want A Divorce? What Should I Do?
By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, women try to determine the implications of their husband leaving. Often, they wonder what this means for their marriage. They worry that this might mean that they are separating or divorcing in the near future.
A wife may have these concerns: “I knew that things weren’t great in my marriage, but I never expected for my husband to leave me. I fully expected for him to stay and to try to work things out. But I came home from work last night and found a note saying that he left. So I immediately called him and asked what his leaving is supposed to mean. He was very vague and said that he really wasn’t sure what he wanted yet. So I asked him very directly if he wanted a divorce. Again, I got no real response. What am I supposed to make of this? Do men who leave their wives do so because they want a divorce? And what can I do about this when a divorce is the very last thing that I want?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.
Why Men Who Leave Don’t Always Want A Divorce: I know that it’s very tempting to assume the worst here. After all, one day your husband was committed enough to live under the same roof as you, and today, that appears to no longer be the case. But, try not to panic because panic and making the worst possible assumptions could make things seem more dire than they need to be.
I myself have gone through this situation. My husband left me and I was sure that meant we would eventually divorce. Today, we are still together and we are happy. Many other people in this situation did not divorce and were eventually able to save their marriages. Divorcing is certainly not a given by any means. Sometimes, his leaving actually makes him miss or appreciate you. And sometimes when both people are able to take a step backward, they are able to make some progress. I know that this may sound questionable to you right now. But I have seen this situation turn around time and time again. So, if divorce is not a given, then why did he leave in the first place? What is he hoping to accomplish from this? I’ll explore these questions right now.
Why Mean Leave Their Wives When They Don’t Necessarily Intend To Divorce Their Wives: There are many reasons that a man might leave. Almost always, he is trying to get your attention or he is trying to make a bold statement. He often feels that he has to do something this dire in order to bring about some change. In fact, if you were to talk to the husband in this scenario, he may tell you that he has been trying to work things out with his wife, but she is either resisting or she appears to be trying but, at the end of the day, nothing really changes. So he may hope that by leaving, he is forcing your hand so that you might take notice enough that you make some swift and permanent changes.
Another reason that men will leave is that they feel like they need some time to themselves. Often, the marriage has become volatile or they have begun to question what they really want or whether they can make the marriage work. And, it can be hard to see things clearly when your spouse is right in front of your eyes on a daily basis. So, they leave in order to gain some perspective or some distance. Many wives worry about this side of it, but sometimes, you can actually make the distance work for you because he may just miss you and find that he wants to work things out, especially if you play your cards right.
What Should You Do After He Leaves? How Should You Respond To This?: Hopefully, by now, I’ve driven the point home that you should not panic. If you do, he will often begin to wonder if you have a valid reason to be worried or if you know something that he doesn’t. Also, when you panic, you can really lose control over your emotions and your actions. Therefore, you can do or say things that will embarrass you later. I fully admit that I was not myself the week after my husband left. And, when I look back on that time in my life, I am not proud of how I acted. My husband wanted to avoid me because he knew that if he didn’t, I was going to unleash all of my attempts at guilt on him or I was going to engage just to get some sort of reaction.
I believe that the best thing that you can do is to remain calm and to make it appear that you are cooperating because you actually want a marriage in which you are both happy. So if he needs to take a little time away in order for this to happen, make it clear that you will comply because you both want the same thing. Don’t try to pressure him or repeatedly question him if he has already made an attempt to answer you.
Above all, be confident in yourself, in your marriage, and in your ability to compromise and to work this out. Of course, this is undoubtedly a difficult time. But how you act and behave right now might make a real difference in the outcome. Be pleasant. Be upbeat. Be playful. But, make it clear that you are going to take advantage of your own time and do your own thinking. You want to make it clear that you are still very much invested in your husband, but you still have your self-respect also.
To be quite honest, I didn’t know how to correctly respond after my husband left me. I reacted very badly and I definitely made things worse. I had to completely change strategies to save my marriage. But the new strategy worked. If it helps, you can read about the entire process on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com
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