My Husband Left, But I Think He Still Loves Me
By: Leslie Cane: Separated wives often think that if they just knew for sure that their husband still loved them, then things would be OK. They feel sure that if the loving feelings returned, then this marital issue could be worked out.
It might be surprising to know that love doesn’t always guarantee that a separation will end. Some wives feel pretty sure that their separated husband still loves them. And yet, it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Here’s a typical comment in this type of scenario: “I was completely floored when my husband left me. Because I know in my heart, without any doubt, that he loves me. No, he doesn’t tell me anymore. And during this separation, he hasn’t reached out to me all that much. But when we are together and he looks at me, I see total longing. I’m not kidding. It is there in his eyes. And other people have noticed it also. It does confuse me – how I can know without any doubt that he loves me and yet we are still apart? There are some things about me that I guess my husband feels that he just can not live with anymore. He thinks that I am spoiled and selfish. He thinks that I only consider myself and that I have never really loved him just for himself – but for what he can give me. I don’t know how to respond to these assumptions. I am not as mature as him; I admit that. And I have probably said and done some things that make him feel taken for granted. But I do love him. And I could be a better wife if he would give me the chance. But I do know that he still loves me. Why is that not enough?”
I wish that I could give you an answer that would be sufficient to answer this question. But honestly, there probably isn’t one in existence. Unfortunately, I can tell you that there are many couples who are undoubtedly both still in love with one another and yet, they just could not make it work. Sometimes, there is conflict, lack of resolution, or deal-breakers between the couple that just keep them from being together.
Appreciating That There Is One Less Issue To Overcome: Knowing that love is enough would be ideal. But love is only one piece of the puzzle. I don’t want to discount love because it can make a reconciliation easier. Many husbands leave and question whether they still love their wives PLUS they have conflict. In these cases, there are many issues to overcome. So at least acknowledge that with the love still there, this is one less issue to worry about.
Don’t Become Complacent Because Of The Love: At least you do have the confidence in knowing that he still loves you, but I think that there can be a danger of assuming that there is no risk when love is present. Don’t allow this assumption to cause you to not address the problems. Sometimes, the problems win and cause a divorce in spite of the love.
Of course, I don’t know your husband, but from what you have said, one can assume that he would like to see evidence of your gaining maturity, your showing consideration for him, and your exhibiting less behavior that makes him feel taken for granted. If the love is still there, at least it is more likely that he will be open to seeing and considering these improvements when they happen.
Allow Him To See Real Growth: I do think that it’s vital that he sees that you are taking this very seriously and are very sincere in your desire to show change and growth in order to save your marriage. Ask yourself which of his assumptions have validity and then work very hard to address what is keeping you from having a strong and solid marriage.
Really make that change. Don’t just tell your husband that you have – only to have him discover the truth and then lose all trust for you. Sometimes, you can attempt to fool him, just to get him back quickly. But once this is discovered, not only can it ruin everything, but it can made it incredibly hard to get him back the second time.
So it’s important that you are very sincere about real and lasting change. It’s important that you see the health and balance of your marriage as a priority.
Show Him That Having Most Of What He Wants Is Possible: I don’t want to discount the remaining love. There is no doubt that it is an advantage because it may make him want to believe you. It may make him think that your marriage is worth fighting for. But, your job is still to make him see that, with a little tweaking, he can have BOTH the person who makes him happy AND the marriage that makes him happy.
Because the separation has shown that although he loves the person, he didn’t love how the marriage was shaping up. You can’t have a mutually fulfilling marriage without both of those things. The good news is that you only have one of these things to fix. So it makes sense to get moving and to show him that you are serious.
In the beginning of our separation, I never doubted my husband’s love for me (although once he left, he rarely showed it.) But as time went on and it seemed that we made very little progress, reality started to dawn on me. I realized that my husband was considering our problems more than he was considering the love. This realization almost came too late. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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