My Husband Left And Won’t Tell Me Where He Is
by: leslie cane: Being separated from your husband is difficult enough when you have access to him and know where he is. But it’s even more difficult when you have no idea where he is and have no access to him whatever. I recently heard from a wife who was in this situation. She had come home from work to find that her husband had left her. He had also left a note telling her that he needed some time to decide what he wanted to do about their marriage. He said that he was taking a few days off of work. He didn’t tell her where he was going, but said that he would call to check in. And he did call several days later. But when he did, he still wouldn’t say where he was staying. The wife asked him multiple times to tell her his location and he repeatedly told her that he didn’t want to tell her. Of course, this just made the wife more upset.
She said, in part: “I do not understand why he won’t tell me where he is. It’s bad enough that he left me. His reluctance to tell me where he is makes me think that he’s with someone else or isn’t coming back. I’ve checked with his mother and the friends who I thought he might stay with and they all deny that he is with them. I have no idea what to do now. How am I supposed to work on getting him to come home or save my marriage if I don’t even know where he is and have no idea when he’s going to call?”
This was a very tough situation. I completely understood the wife wanting access to her husband (and this included knowing where he was.) But continuing to confront his friends and family members probably was not the best way to approach this. I will discuss this more in the following article.
While I Understand Wanting To Know Where Your Husband Is, Handling This In The Wrong Way Could Make The Problem Worse: Finding out where her husband was became this wife’s primary focus. She admitted that she had been “hounding” every one that she could think of and she suspected that these folks were reporting back to her husband. She knew that this probably didn’t help her cause, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. She felt that she needed to interact him with him face-to-face so that she could know what she was up against. It was so upsetting to her that she had no control over when or how she talked to him. And she found herself driving around and literally looking for him.
I completely understand this. In fact, I bugged the heck out of my own husband when we were separated to the point where he got downright angry. And this made things so much worse. It’s very important that you show your husband behaviors that will make him think of you favorably, especially when you are trying to lure him closer to you. So while it might feel right and just to try to dig him down or search him out, doing this is probably not going to contribute to your long term success. In my opinion, you will be more successful if you back off enough to allow him to ease off on his defensiveness. Because it’s likely that the harder you try to force him to tell you where he is, the more important it becomes to him to keep this a secret. And sometimes if you leave it alone, you’ll find out what you need to know without making your situation worse, which leads me to my next point.
It’s Possible That Your Husband’s Location Will Become Evident Soon Enough Without Your Having To Interfere: Once I encouraged the wife to think rationally, she realized that her husband was going to have to eventually come back to his job. Yes, she was very frightened that he was with someone else. But would knowing this for sure really change anything? Probably not. It was entirely possible that as soon as she stopped asking, he would tell her his location anyway (or he would return to his job) and this whole issue would be over. Once this happened, it would be time to focus on what was to become of her marriage.
Try To Look At The Bigger Picture And Place Your Focus On Long Term Gains: When I asked the wife what she really wanted in this situation, she told me simply that she wanted to know where her husband was. But after pressing further, it became clear that knowing his location was just the tip of the iceberg and a means to an end. What she really wanted was for her husband to come home and so that she could save her marriage. (And she felt that knowing his location was vital to this happening.) While this knowledge would be nice, I didn’t feel that it was necessary for the long run. In fact, I felt she had a better chance of success if she could get him to decide to come back on his own so that he had a good attitude once he got there.
After a while, the wife realized that calling everyone to figure out where her husband was had been a mistake. But she didn’t know how to undo the damage that had already been done. I suggested she text or email him and apologize while telling him that she was going to be out of touch since she was going to be taking some time for herself (and would therefore give him the time that he needed.) Sure, the husband might be skeptical of this. But once she kept her word and enough time passed, the husband would learn that he could trust what she said and this would hopefully help to improve his willingness to work with her in the future.
The wife was not able to control what her husband told her, what he felt, or when he chose to come home. But what she could control is how she presented herself during this very trying time. And she could control how she reacted and responded when he did come home. Because honestly, the real challenge in her path was not finding out where her husband was, it was addressing the issues that inspired her husband to leave in the first place and then saving her marriage once he returned.
I know that this is a difficult time, but hang in there. After my husband left, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that pretty emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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