Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women who are so confused because on the one hand, their husband is saying that he wants to leave or get a separation or divorce. But, on the other hand, he’s still eluding to the fact that he still loves his wife. The wives aren’t sure how to rectify these two opposing things. And quite often, the fact that the husband can’t or won’t say that he doesn’t love them is a particularly confusing, and bitter, pill.

I heard from a wife who said: “last week, my husband sat me down and told me that he felt that our marriage wasn’t good for either of us. He said that he felt that our relationship had become toxic so therefore he felt that it was in his best interest to leave me. I panicked and asked when he was coming back. He said that he didn’t think that he was coming back. I told him that he was saying crazy things because I knew that he loved me. He didn’t reply. So I told him that he could never say he didn’t love me. And he agreed that he couldn’t make that claim. So then why is he doing this? If he’s not at the point that he no longer loves me, then what is the point of leaving me and potentially ending the relationship? What should I do now?” Obviously, there were a lot of questions and concerns and I’ll try to take them one by one.

Men Often Leave Women They Love For Various Reasons: It’s a common misconception that people who separate or get a divorce are doing so in part because one or both of them are no longer in love with the other. This is most definitely not always the case. Sometimes, both people love each other very much. But there are issues or problems that, at least at the time, seem bigger than that love. Or sometimes, the love doesn’t seem to be enough to carry them through.

What He Says And Does Now Doesn’t Necessarily Predict The Future: I know from my own experience that it is human nature to panic. After all, your worst fear seems to be a real possibility. I know from experience that it’s very difficult to get control over these feelings when they come. But it’s also my opinion and experience that panicking will often increase the odds that your fears will come true. Because that fear and panic is likely to drive you to act in ways that are unattractive. And, this destructive process will discourage your husband to change his mind while encouraging him to decide that he was right to begin to break away all along.

The truth is, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Plenty of people decide that they want to leave or pursue a separation or even a divorce and they end up changing their mind later. They leave and find that they desperately miss their spouse. Or, with the luxury of time, they gain a new perspective which shows them that their problems weren’t as insurmountable as they thought. Or, they realize that perhaps they are willing to compromise more than they though. Or maybe they see that the single life doesn’t agree with them after all.

Know That If He Still Loves You, Then You Have A Definite Advantage: I know that the knowledge that he likely still loves you is making you very confused and frustrated right now. But try very hard to see it as the advantage in your situation. There are some wives right now who are coming to the end of their marriage because their husband is no longer in love with them and has no problem whatsoever telling them this very directly. But this wasn’t the case here. It wasn’t a mystery that the husband still loved his wife. This was an advantage that the wife should not only understand, but take full advantage of.

I know that it’s easy to get discouraged in this situation and to focus on the fact that he’s left. But that remaining love matters and that love is what gives you the chance to work this out. Always try to remember and concentrate on that. Because that is what might make all of the difference.

I felt very strongly that my husband still loved me even after he left and began a separation.  Family and friends told me that I was crazy to maintain hope for my marriage when all seemed lost.  But I’m the one having the last laugh now because not only is my marriage in tact, it’s stronger than ever.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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