Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I received an email from a wife who told me that she was beside herself because her husband had just told her that “he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”  I had to ask if this meant he didn’t want to be with her sexually, didn’t want to be with her as her husband, or just didn’t want to be in the same room with her from here on out.  She said that she didn’t really know, but that she assumed that he meant all of the above.  He had basically told her this and then left their home, so she had no way to know what was going to happen next.

In these sorts of situations, there are a few ways that you can go.  Many women will panic and will track him down and/or demand answers or explanations.  They will try to convince him that there’s no reason to act this rashly and they’ll try to beg, threaten, or lure him back. These negative tactics will often backfire and the husband will want to be with you even less as the result.  There’s a better way, which I will discuss more in the following article.

Understand This This “Not Wanting To Be With You” Can Be The Result Of Several Things:  Very often, men will project what is going wrong in their lives onto their marriage and their wives.  So, if he’s not performing at work, has personal issues that are causing him stress, or feels that he’s come up short in some way, he’ll often look around and think that his life just stinks in general. He’ll project this onto you and the only thing that you can really do here is to prove him wrong by acting with dignity and grace.  Often if you wait this out, he will come to his senses and be all apologies.

Other times, there truly is a valid reason (at least in his mind) for his wanting out.  Perhaps he doesn’t feel that the intimacy is there.  Maybe he’s been requesting changes or improvements for some time and he feels that nothing improves.  Maybe he feels that sexual attraction is no longer there.  Maybe he has developed a negative perception of marriage.  Whatever the reason, you will have to change these perceptions of you and the marriage if you want to save it.

His Perceptions About Attraction, Sexual Chemistry And A Suspicion That You Have Nothing In Common:  Many men in this situation initially resist their wives’ attempts to change their mind or get them to come home because they feel that the spark just isn’t there, that you no longer have anything in common, and although they love the person that their wife is, they are no longer “in love” with her.

After a little bit of dialog back and forth, it’s easy to see what’s really happening.  In a few words, he feels neglected.  He remembers how his wife used to look at him with stars in her eyes and a spring in her step.  He remembers when she couldn’t keep her hands off of him or do enough for him.  And now, he sees someone who is always too busy or someone who just passes him with a quick glance or who only does the bare minimum or goes through the motions.

I’m not being accusatory or describing your personal situation, I’m just telling you what men tell me.  As unfair as it might be, this is how they perceive it most of the time.  Women tell an entirely different story.  They will say things like: “Doesn’t he see how hard I’m working? Doesn’t he see how many things I’m trying to juggle? I’m doing the very best I can but I don’t need someone else to parent or take care of. He’s an adult for goodness sake.  I shouldn’t have to babysit him 24 / 7.”

Men do know this intellectually, but that doesn’t keep them from wanting more. They too are juggling different things and they want to come home and feel appreciated, understood, and desired every bit as much as you do.  But, they don’t want to say this and feel needy and pitiful, so they will pull away instead.

And, the more you appear that you can’t live without them, that you’d do anything to make them stay, that you’d put their needs before your own and not have any give and take, the less attractive you appear.  I realize that this seems like a contradiction, but this is how it is.  Confidence is very sexy and very attractive to men.  Because deep in their hearts, they want a confident, in-control woman who has everything going for her and could have anyone else – but she’s chosen him. She understands him – flaws and all – and she wants him anyway.

Moving From Point A To Point B: OK, let’s break this down.  If you want to save your marriage, you have to move from where you are now (point A – where he doesn’t want you) and take a quick and decisive step toward point B (where he changes his mind and sees you as desirable rather than undesirable).  This is obviously going to take some doing.  But one thing is for certain.  You must change his perception and you can’t do that if you’re flinging things at him that cause negative reactions.  You must conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Remain calm and tell him that you’re sorry to hear what he’s saying but you hear it all the same. Tell him that you want him to be happy so you’re not going to argue or engage with him.  Then, go right about acting in the way that attracted him in the first place.

Make clear that you want to save your marriage but also make clear that you respect yourself enough to know that you can handle whatever comes your way and that you too, deserve happiness.  Go about ensuring that you’re doing as well as you can. Go out with your coworkers and friends.  Keep yourself looking good and make sure he knows that you’re not sitting at home with bonbons and tissues. Often this alone will turn his head, at least somewhat.  And, when it does, you must be willing and able to keep right on going until you’ve completely changed the perceptions that stand in your way.

When my husband told me that he didn’t want me anymore, I made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. And I absolutely panicked when he left. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. Needless to say, this made things worse. Thankfully, I changed strategies and saved the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/