Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Folks who are recently separated often try to gauge the appropriate amount of time and frequency with which to call their spouse. Many are reeling because of the separation and very much want to reach out to their spouse. But they are scared of being rejected or of wanting too much too soon. They also don’t want to be seen as a pest or as if they are initiating an unwelcome advance. Still, even knowing all of this, it can be very hard not to pick up the phone in an attempt to see what your spouse is doing.

A wife might say, in part: “My husband moved out last weekend. I am devastated. But he told me that he hasn’t been happy for a long time and said he felt that he needed some time on his own. I didn’t want him to leave, but he made it clear that my only two choices were either a separation or divorce. So I didn’t feel as if I had much of a choice. When he walked out the door, he was a little affectionate to me and almost looked at me like he thought he might be making a mistake. I feel such an urge to call him and see how he’s doing and what he’s thinking but all of my friends say that’s not a good idea. They say it’s too soon to call. I feel as if this advice is really silly. He’s my husband, not my boyfriend. Don’t I have to right to call? What is the etiquette for this? How often are you supposed to call? And when is it too soon?”

Trying To Determine When And How Often To Call After You’re Separated Or Your Spouse Has Moved Out: There isn’t any etiquette or set rules about when or how often to call. It’s best to try to come to some understanding about this before one of you moves out. This way, you already know what the expectations are and what everyone is comfortable with.

But if you haven’t already established those boundaries, then you’ll have to feel your way. With that said, no one wants to be that overly anxious person who is calling too much or who is being a pest because they can’t take a hint. In reality, the best-case scenario is to allow your spouse to call you. For example, in the above situation, the wife felt that maybe her husband was experiencing some regret when he left and she wanted to feel him out to see if this was true. It would put her in a better position if he were to call her. And if he felt as conflicted as the wife suspected, then giving him the chance to call first might have been a good idea.

However, I know that this is easier said than done. When my husband and I were separated, I had to fight with myself all of the time not to continually call or text him and this is a fight that I usually didn’t win. But you know what? When I would call him too much, it was obvious that he wasn’t all that happy to hear from me. I would typically get a much better response if I forced myself to wait or even better if I allowed him to call me.

I know that the wife very badly wanted to call. One compromise might be to text instead of call. She might consider just sending a quick text saying: “are you OK? Is everything all right?” This allows the husband to take the initiative in his response.

I always advise wives to opt for a text rather than a phone call if they are afraid that they are going to be overly emotional or are going to have trouble using restraint. With a text, you can hide your emotions better and you can more easily and convincingly end the conversation if it’s not going well.

What I hope you take away from this article is that it’s better to leave your husband wanting to talk to you more so that he picks up the phone and calls you than to allow him to start dodging your phone calls, avoiding you, or making excuses if you are calling him too much or if he’s not ready for too much communication right now. And if you listen very closely to his clues, you can usually tell the difference. If you notice that he sounds distracted or annoyed, them perhaps you back off and let him call you the next time. If he avoids you or starts cutting you off quickly, you will help your cause much more if you let him initiate the contact next time rather than pushing even harder and making him point blank tell you to back off.

If your husband is receptive to your phone calls, you can generally tell this by his behavior and by the fact that he is reciprocating and calling you as much as you are calling him. Often, if you are not getting the response that you want from him, you can sometimes set it up so that you are not as easy to reach or read. If you pull this off well, you will often find that he will reach out to you if for nothing else than curiosity. He will wonder why suddenly you are silent. When this happens, you will sometimes have a wonderful and fleeting opportunity on your hands, which I suggest that you take full advantage of.

As I alluded to, I made many mistakes in my phone calls to my husband when we were separated. There’s no doubt that I became a pest and a bit of a stalker. This made getting back together much more difficult. I had to back off considerably before I gained some ground. If it helps, you can read how the whole story unfolded on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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