Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have come to believe that it is kind of rare to be married for a long time and not have any period when life and marriage becomes a little stale. It happens to the best of us and it doesn’t always reflect directly on our marriages. People get into ruts in their jobs or with their day-to-day routines and responsibilities. Many of us get to midlife and wonder things like: “is there all there is?” And when that happens, people can tend to walk through life in kind of a daze. Of course, this is often very noticeable by the people who care about you. And if can affect your important relationships, including your marriage.

Many of us truly want to be supportive when our spouse goes through something like this. We are concerned and we want for them to be happy. In the beginning, we really want to help.  But after a while, we find that they are bringing us down, too. It can be difficult to balance their need for support and your need for a more upbeat environment.

A wife who is dealing with this might see her husband as hopelessly mopey. She might describe a situation like this: “for probably the past eight months, my husband has just sort of aimlessly moped around the house. I don’t really get what is wrong with him. We are finally in a place where we don’t have to worry about money as much anymore. We are in a good place in our careers and with our children. This is the place we wanted to be when we were younger and just starting out. And yet, he doesn’t seem to be savoring any of it. Frankly, it’s depressing to be around him. Literally, he will come from work, pretty much eat his dinner without much conversation and probably without tasting it, and then he will change into ratty clothes and fall on the couch and sit there and watch dumb sitcoms until it is time to go to bed. I ask him to go with me to take the dogs for a walk or do something else, but he always refuses. I have asked him what is wrong and he insists that there is nothing wrong. He is so mopey that it’s infuriating. If he doesn’t snap out of it, I don’t know what I’ll do because I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life.”

I hear about this quite a bit. And I’ve actually gone through some mopey phases myself. Here is what I can tell you about why it happens and what it feels like. Perhaps that will at least give you a little bit of perspective. In my own case, the mopey periods were not personal to my husband. I wasn’t acting in the way that I was because I was unhappy in my marriage. Actually the opposite is true. When I was going through this, I was very grateful that I had a supportive spouse who was standing by me.

I find that when I go through these periods, I tend to be living in a safe way and not expressing enough creativity. Or, I’ve stopped working out.  Or I’ve made my world very small. Essentially, when I start going through the motions of life, taking the easy way out, and not challenging myself intellectually and physically, I tend to get a little down because I thrive on challenge, even if I tend to get lazy and not seek those out.

When I get like this, it helps if my husband challenges me to do something physical with him like go hiking or roller blading. Once, he purchased an online writing class for me and this forced me to once again tap into my creativity.

I find it interesting that it was indicated that the husband seemed to be going through a rut just as his career had reached some goals he’d set. It’s common to get into a rut at this time because you perceive that there’s nothing left to work for. Many people need constant challenges in their life to stay fresh. Nothing says that your husband can’t set new goals. Or explore other areas of his personality. Many people will try to pursue side hobbies in a more professional way once they reach a certain point in their career. I thought about actually trying to publish some of my writing. My husband began selling some of his wood working. Neither of us has gotten wealthy doing this, but it gives us new goals and new ways to keep busy.

This is only my opinion based on my own experiences with this, but I think that before you give up on a marriage and a partner that has withstood the test of time, you might try to encourage him toward new challenges or try to introduce some new adventures to get him out of his rut.

Of course, you sometimes need to be creative as to how you do this. You don’t want to present this as if there’s something wrong with him. But sometimes, the person going through the rut can’t really see things objectively and they need a gentle nudge.

Here’s one more things to consider. Sometimes, being in a rut is the start of depression. I’m not a counselor or expert, but consulting one if things don’t improve is never a bad idea. Sometimes our hormones change as we age and this contributes to that process as well.

It wasn’t until after my separation that I accepted that my husband can help me if I let him.  The worst thing that a spouse can do is to isolate themselves.   No one needs a struggling marriage or an angry spouse on top of the rut.  I had a tendency to mope before my separation.  I like to think that I’ve mostly shaken this.  There’s more about what contributed most to the separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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