Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with husbands who can’t come to a decision as to whether or not he wants to reconcile.  Often, the uncertainty and lack of commitment is very frustrating and hurtful.  It can feel as if your life is still up in the air when all you want is a little stability.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband and I have been separated for three months.  Over time, things have improved significantly between us.  I see some very positive signs and this never ceases to get my hopes up.  There is nothing that I want more than to reconcile with my husband by the time the holidays roll around.  I want us to all be together as a family for Christmas.  However, every time I bring up reconciling my husband says he just isn’t sure.  He won’t make a firm commitment and says he just wants to “wait and see” since things are going so well.    This is so hurtful to me.  I don’t see why he is holding back.  Everything is going very well between us.  My kids miss their daddy.  So why won’t he just commit to reconciling?  And how should I act around him to make sure that he does? Because this is creating some tension between us.”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Some Reasons That Your Husband May Be Unsure About Reconciling: I hear from a lot of husbands in this exact situation.  And I can share with you what many tell me about their hesitation.  Sometimes, they just want to take their time and make sure that it’s right.  They don’t want to move back in, get everyone’s hopes up, and then watch their family go through him moving out all over again if things don’t work out.  Some of these husbands will tell you that they think their wife is on her best behavior to try to lure him home and the fear is that she will eventually resort back to old behaviors once he has made the commitment to reconcile.  And some worry that since nothing has really haven’t changed in terms of your problems, the same issues are going to be present once he comes home.

Now, none of these objections are impossible to overcome.  As you might suspect, sometimes time and progress can help you to overcome all of his doubts and potential objections.  Often, time, progress, and your sincerity will show him that things continue to just get better and better between you.  Frankly, his seeing this for himself is often much more effective than any words that you could ever say.

How Should You Act When Your Husband Isn’t Sure About A Reconciliation?: What I see working the most often is having loving patience combined with having a plan.  And I know that this probably isn’t what you want to hear.  I know first hand that it’s so tempting to try to apply more pressure or to just try to keep talking in the hopes that one day, he will give in.  I know that you want him home within a very short time frame.  But usually, applying more pressure will hurt your chances rather than help them.

Because you need to show your husband that what you ultimately want is for the two of you to be able to be happy again for the long term.  So your goal really should not be about getting him home as quickly as possible (no matter what you need to do to accomplish this.)  Instead, it should be about making sure that it’s absolutely right when it does happen so that it will last.

To that end, you want to be as low key and as patient as possible.  If you ask your husband about a reconciliation and he says he’s not sure, then it’s probably not in your best interest to keep asking.  He needs to see that he can trust the positive path your marriage is taking.  And nagging or pressuring him runs counter to what you are trying to accomplish.

So, a suggested script might be something like “well obviously that’s not what I was hoping to hear, but when we do reconcile, I want you to be one hundred percent sure that this is what you want because I want for us both to be happy and together forever.  I don’t mind giving you time and being patient because I know that it will be worth it in the end.  There’s no need to rock the boat when things are improving between us.  And I want them to continue to improve because my primary goals are you and our marriage.  But I’m also thinking in the long rather than the short term. ”

And, nothing says that this wife’s family couldn’t be together during the holidays. In fact, since the two of them were getting along so well, there was no reason to believe that they wouldn’t share a happy family holiday.  Sure, they may not be together as a reconciled couple (at least not yet,) but they would still be together as a family and they could still lay the foundation for next year.

I truly understood where this wife was in the process.  My own husband took a very long time to finally commit to reconciliation.  Patience did help, but I believe that what helped the most was having an effective and workable plan.  To me, it’s all about applying a winning strategy and combining that with patience.  If you want to read more about how this worked for me, please feel free to read my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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