Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s pretty painful when you can feel that your husband is no longer happy with you. But it can feel even worse when your husband very plainly tells you so himself. His putting it so plainly makes it feel permanent and unyielding. You can begin to wonder if you even stand a chance. 

Someone might say, “I’ve been feeling my husband’s coldness for quite a while now. Sometimes he looks at me and the disappointment just radiates off his face. I tried to tell myself that maybe I was making things worse than they actually were. I tried to convince myself that I could work on our marriage in the days and weeks to come. But now it seems that I may not get that chance.

Last night, my husband and I started to bicker. I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that I didn’t want him to be mad at me. He responded that he wasn’t mad, he just wasn’t happy. I asked him what he meant. He said that it’s not so difficult to understand. He said that we both know we’re not happy, but we tiptoe around it. Then he proceeded to say that he doesn’t think that we’re truly compatible and that he doesn’t think our marriage will make it.

He’s very extraverted and social, and I am not. I think he feels that I hold him back. I could try to do better if he’d give me the chance, but it feels like he won’t. I don’t know what to do. Of course, I want to make my husband happy. But now I doubt that I have that ability anymore.”

I know how tricky and bad this situation feels. My husband told me that he wasn’t happy months before we actually separated. I convinced myself that he was miserable in his job or was blowing off steam. He wasn’t. He was trying to get my attention. But my inability to respond correctly lead to us separating and almost divorcing.

I am by no means telling you this to imply that you should panic. You shouldn’t. In fact, panicking will likely make things worse. But I am suggesting that you take this seriously.

Why the Incompatibility Excuse is Often Inaccurate:  

I can’t tell you how common it is for unhappy spouses to go with the “incompatible” excuse. My husband gave it to me. And I’ve heard from many people through the years who also heard it.

But here’s the thing. Your different temperaments, interests, and personalities weren’t that big of a problem that they kept you from falling in love and getting married.

In fact, for many of us, they create quite a spark. In the beginning, they are often a plus.

Why? Because you were into one another. You didn’t want to let anything come between you. So he thought your introversion was cute, and you thought his extroversion brought you out of your shell. And you saw it as complementary. And to be honest, it very likely WAS complimentary. 

And believe it or not, it can be again. 

What is Likely at Least One Major Issue: 

When things start to fall apart, of course we seize on the easily identifiable difference. But that doesn’t mean that we’re picking out the real problem.

And I know that I don’t know you or your husband, but I’ll bet I can tell you at least one major issue. 

Because I don’t need to know you to know that when one spouse is claiming to be unhappy due to incompatibility, you can almost always bet that a lack of intimacy is at least partly to blame. 

How do I know this?

Because if, as a couple you were firing on all cylinders, you wouldn’t hear the talk of unhappiness or of incompatibility.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know that restoring intimacy is multi-faceted and challenging. 

I’m not flippantly telling you that if you fix the intimacy, you will fix your marriage.

But I’m telling you with confidence that it’s a very good start. And if your husband begins to feel close to you again, he’s going to start feeling a lot happier and more fulfilled. And so are you. And suddenly those differences aren’t deal-breakers anymore.

The Catch 22 or Restoring the Intimacy When it Feels Like He’s Pushing You Away:  

I know that your situation may seem insurmountable right now. You have a spouse who has spelled out that he’s unhappy and not sure you’ll make it.

But he’s speaking at the height of frustration. And you don’t have to fix every problem in a day. Like I did, you may have to settle for a gradual pace where you move forward as you are able.

Right now, you may have to start small. You may have to just strive to put a smile on your husband’s face once a day. You might vow to turn the other cheek when you feel like arguing. Perhaps you seek compromise when you’d otherwise debate.

Your goal right now is to try to find small ways to remind your husband of why you are together in the first place. This may require you to take a step back, gain some perspective, and try to calm the situation down.  

You’re not trying to solve every marital problem in a few days. You’re trying to connect with your husband in whatever way you can. Maybe this is just watching a movie together a few times a week. Or taking a walk. Or telling a joke.

Don’t take on too much. Just try to lighten the mood and ease the tension.

Once you make some progress with that, then strive each day to do one thing that helps you feel a little closer. 

You’re not necessarily trying to fix every problem, you’re just trying to restore some of the ease between you. 

Eventually, the idea is that your husband looks around and realizes that he’s not so unhappy after all. When you’ve made this kind of progress, then you can begin to work on any bigger problems.

But it is so much easier to restore some of the intimacy first. If you can do that, then the smallest of your problems will fall away. And the bigger of your problems become much more manageable. 

If I hadn’t restored the intimacy first, I’m fairly certain we would have never reconciled.  There were times when it looked bleak.  But we are still married today, in part because I eventually understood that the intimacy was gone and had to return before we could make any progress. You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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