Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Few things are as scary as a husband who is threatening to walk out on you or pursue a separation. Many wives try a number of strategies in this situation. Some very nicely ask him to reconsider. Some are not above stopping just short of begging him to stay. Sometimes, when these things don’t work, the wives get frustrated and they sort of throw up their hands and tell him that if he is so miserable, perhaps he should just leave so that he can be happy once again.

So I might hear from a wife who makes a comment like: “honestly, my husband saying that he isn’t happy isn’t really anything new or earth shattering. He’s been muttering about this for a while now. But to be quite honest, my husband is a chronic complainer. If something isn’t perfect in his eyes, believe me, I am going to hear about it. So when he started talking about our marriage, I didn’t really panic. He always has one complaint or another. But in the last couple of weeks, he has stopped talking about it in general terms and he has started talking about it as something that he might actually take action toward. Last night, he told me that he may start looking at apartments. This really angered me because quite frankly, our finances are going to be stretched to nothing if we are paying for two homes. So I sort of snapped and I told my husband that if moving out and separating is what it takes for him to be happy, then that is precisely what he should do. I admit that my voice was raised when I said this, and my husband was obviously angry because he turned around and walked out. He has been avoiding me ever since. I realize now that I should not have snapped at him. But I didn’t now how else to respond. I’ve asked him to help me work on our marriage numerous times. I’m pretty sure he already knows that I don’t want to separate. I don’t see the point of begging him not to go because this just seems to be demeaning and not effective anyway. The thing is, I do want for my husband to be happy. But I’m not sure that leaving me is going to make him happy. He is unhappy about multiple things. And I don’t want for him to leave.”

I understand how this feels. Telling my husband that I wanted him to be happy was one strategy that I used myself. And at the time, this can feel like the right thing to do. Because after all, you do want for him to be happy. And, by taking this stand, you are showing him that you want to be his ally. You are showing him that you have no interest in standing in the way of him and what he wants. This is likely going to make him look upon you, and your marriage, more favorably because many men will pull away from a wife who clings too tightly or who tells him that there is no room for his self exploration or his happiness.

But when it appears that he is going to take you up on your offer, it can be quite scary. My husband actually did leave. And I wasn’t able to back up and then say “wait a minute. I changed my mind. I’m not sure that I want you to be happy after all. You can only be happy if you stay here with me.” Obviously, this wasn’t going to go over so well, so I couldn’t change strategies. Instead, I could only try to continue to maintain that it was vital to me that they were both happy while I was attempting to show him that we could be more happy together than apart.

Since this husband hadn’t yet left, you might still try to have a conversation about this. You might try something like: “I truly do want for you to be happy. I sincerely mean that. But I don’t want you to think that my saying this means that I’m fine with separating or your leaving. I’m not. It is not what I want. Ideally, I would like to find a way that we could both be happy while neither of us needs to take the very drastic action of moving out. I do not know how you feel about this option, but I’d like it if we could sit down and talk about it more before you move toward leaving. I want for us both to be happy. But I honestly think that if we work on the right things in the right ways, we can make it so that we are both happy living here together.”

It’s impossible to predict how the husband might respond to this. He may agree to stay put. Or, he might continue to think that he needs to move out. Don’t panic if he does. And don’t abandon your claim that you want him to be happy. He’s your husband. Of course his happiness is important to you. With this established, the next course of action is showing him that a happy life (with you still in it) is possible.

I do understand how vulnerable you feel when you’re afraid his happiness is going to happen without you.  But what is the alternative?  Allowing him to think that his staying is more important than his happiness?  That doesn’t work either.  I think that the best alternative is to show him that both are possible.  This was my strategy.  And it eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin