Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are sure that the stressful situation in their lives is directly behind their marital problems, their separation, or their upcoming divorce. They will tell you that they had a wonderful marriage before the event reared its ugly head. And they don’t know how to reign things in now.

Here’s an example of the types of comments that I hear in this situation: “My husband and I have had a wonderful marriage for about fifteen of our seventeen years. A couple of years ago, we were in a good place in our marriage, with our family, and in terms of finances. We had just paid off our house, and our kids were getting ready to leave home for college. At that point, my husband and I wanted to take a financial risk. Although we were doing well in our jobs, we were a little bored with them, and it was always our dream to start our own business and to work together. We had everything paid for so we made the regrettable decision to mortgage our house again in order to start our business. Needless to say, our business failed and our home is in foreclosure. Our kids have had to move back home because we can no longer pay for their college. During this time, my husband went through a stressful time when one of his parents fell ill. I am very sorry and embarrassed to say that I wasn’t there for my husband at that time. I was grieving the loss of our home and our financial security. I admit this was me being self-centered, but an awful thing happened to us. Last week, my husband said he couldn’t take living with me anymore, and he said he was moving out because he wanted out of our marriage. I was stunned. Since that time, I have found us an inexpensive place to live that has enough room for everyone. When I told my husband about this, he said that’s great news for me and the kids, but he insisted that he isn’t going with us. I am stunned, and I still love him. Now I feel as if I have lost everything. As if it isn’t bad enough to lose my home. What can I do?”

This is such a sad situation, but in today’s economy, it is not at all unusual. What’s doubly unfortunate is that this should be a time when the family pulls together and actually becomes stronger. But, when it seems as if your dreams are being taken away from you one by one, then it can be extremely difficult to not suffer some backlash from this in many areas of your life.

Don’t Panic.  Your Spouse May Gain Some Perspective: I felt that it was possible that the husband would eventually calm down and gain a little perspective. He may well have been lashing out because he didn’t feel supported in regards to the loss of his parent. In other words, his world fell apart all at one time and he felt that his spouse turned on him rather than having his back. I felt that it was important for the wife to acknowledge this, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. That would be the first step. After that, it was important that she try to turn the tide to where she and her husband were clinging to one another for support rather than lashing out at one another or seeing one another as the enemy.

A Suggested Conversation: One way to start this conversation might be to say something like: “I understand that we are both struggling right now. And I don’t blame you for being disappointed that I haven’t been more supportive since you’ve been dealing with more than I have. But, right now, I think that it makes sense for us to pull together. The whole family is going through a very stressful situation and the kids are going to have a huge adjustment. I understand if you need some time. But, I’m going to go forward with the new place because we need a roof over our heads and the kids need things to be as normal as possible. I hope that you will move in with us. I hope that we can maintain our family. Regardless of what happens, you have my support, my love, and my commitment. I hope that we can pull together and see this through as a family.”

He may not come around immediately. He may even need to take the time that he’s saying that he wants. But if he does, he might find that being lonely on top of being stressed out wasn’t the best choice. At times like these, people need their families and the people that they love close by. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long for the husband to discover this. I know that many experts will say that stress only brings forth the problems that were already in your marriage. And, while I agree with that to a certain extent, I feel pretty confident that if this couple hadn’t faced foreclosure and financial disaster, they would likely still be together.  Sometimes, all you need is a tipping point for things to come crashing down.

So, at least in my opinion, the key right now was to band together and tackle the days to come. As the stress waned and their lives stabilized, it made sense that their marriage would too, as long as the effort was there.

I can say with certainty that stress was one major factor that contributed to my own separation.  We had to work through it just like all of the other issues.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin