Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are both confused and scared. Lately, their husband has been very honest about the fact that he’s unhappy and he’s beginning to think that he no longer wants to be married to them. But, he isn’t making any move to leave or to change the situation.  The wife can ask herself why he would go so far as to tell her about his unhappiness and then do nothing to change the situation by leaving.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “for the last two months, my husband has been very unhappy, very sarcastic, and very mean. I kept asking him what was wrong and at first he wouldn’t tell me. But then I kept at him and he finally broke down and told me that he wasn’t happy and that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married to me any longer. At first, I didn’t take much stock in this. But then he began saying it all of the time. It seemed that every time we had a conversation, he would find a way to work in how he didn’t want to be with me any longer. I tried very hard not to engage him. I didn’t want to get into a huge argument about this. But, at the same time, I kept waiting for him to pack a bag and to leave, even though this is the last thing that I want. He never did. His habit seems to be to tell me how hideous it is to be with me and then to take no action whatsoever. Why would he do this? Does he have any intention of leaving me or not?”

Why It Might Be Significant That He Isn’t Leaving: I can’t tell you what he’s thinking, although I wish that I could. But, what I can do is to tell you a theory that I have based on comments from many men that I get in this situation on my blog. Much of the time, if a man is so unhappy that he feels that he must take some physical space, he will do so. You often see situations where the couple absolutely can not afford to support two households and the wife will tell herself that she’s safe because finances are going to make it impossible for him to leave her. So she is surprised and disappointed to find that he’s arranged to stay with friends or family. The point is, when a man is determined to leave his wife and he is motivated by unhappiness, then he will generally find a way.

The fact that he isn’t actively making an effort to move out tells me that he is potentially waiting or hoping for some change to take place before he takes any dramatic action. He might be just trying to be honest and hoping that this message is scary enough for you that you are going to work with him to make some improvements to your marriage so that he doesn’t actually have to leave. Again, if he really didn’t want to be under the same roof as you, he would probably take the initiative to leave. The fact that he hasn’t yet done that could be significant.

Getting To The Heart Of The Matter: I believe that you have a unique opportunity right now. He’s still living under the same roof as you so you still have access to him. So, now would be the time to address those issues that are contributing to the unhappiness.

You don’t want to challenge him or ask him why, if he’s so unhappy, he hasn’t just left. Because if you do this, you run the risk of him actually leaving. Instead, you just want to be grateful that you have more time to make things right. Now, it’s possible that you already know what is making him unhappy. You may already know which issues need your most immediate attention.

But, if you don’t, then it’s time to initiative a conversation about this. You might say something like: “it concerns me to hear you say that. Of course, I want for both of us to be happy in our marriage. I want for both of us to willingly want to be here. Can you share with me what issues are making you the most unhappy? I’d like the chance to address the issues. But I can’t be very effective with this if I don’t know what’s wrong. If you share with me what I can do to help to fix the issues that are bothering you the most, then I’m willing to do that. Because it doesn’t make sense for either of us to go through our lives and our marriage not being fulfilled.”

Hopefully, he will be honest and forthcoming about what is bothering him the most. If he can’t articulate it, you will likely have to do some digging or watch his nonverbal cues. Watch for when he is the most agitated and the most unhappy. The point is, I believe that you are better off addressing the issues that are bothering him rather than pointing out that his actions don’t match his words, since he’s unhappy but not moving out.

I know that this situation is painful and frustrating. But you often have to ask yourself what you really want. And if what you really want is for your husband to stop telling you that he’s unhappy, then your best bet is to pinpoint the cause of his unhappiness and address it. That way, you’ll no longer have to worry about his negative comments or about his leaving. Because happy husbands don’t do either of these.

I understand where you are right now.  I was in this situation also – with one exception.  My husband actually left.  And because we weren’t under the same roof, it was difficult to get him back.  But I eventually found some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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