Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have spent some time hearing their spouse say that he’s no longer invested in the marriage or that the marriage is over. Often, there is a great deal of pain and shock the first time that you hear this. But, often, this isn’t the only time that this exchange takes place. Unfortunately, often these phrases are spoken over and over again without any resolution in sight.

You might hear a comment like: “for the past three years, my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is in our marriage. At first, I thought he was just blowing off steam. I figured he would have his say, calm down, and move on. And that did appear to happen, at least at first. But a couple of months later, we had the exact same conversation all over again. He told me that he felt that our marriage was over. I didn’t have much of a response because I didn’t have any idea how I was supposed to respond to this. Once again, my husband did nothing but complain and then took no action. Last week, he once again told me that our marriage just wasn’t working for him. And once more, he did nothing but say words but take no action. At this point, every time he opens his mouth I brace myself. I always anticipate him telling me that my marriage is over. But I don’t ever anticipate him doing anything about it. Sometimes, I get so angry about this I feel like just filing for divorce myself because I get sick of him not doing anything. What is the point of saying these hurtful things to me if nothing is going to change? The only thing that stops me from filing for a divorce just to get this over with is the fact that I actually still love him and I still want to be married. But my tolerance is starting to fade. I’m not sure how much more I can listen to him complain about our marriage and then do nothing. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t even want to listen to him anymore.”

I don’t doubt that this situation can be so completely frustrating. Who wants to have their spouse’s unhappiness thrown at them repeatedly? And although this wife was too nice to say it, I suspected that she probably wasn’t completely happy with her marriage either.

If You Do Nothing, You Might Get More Of The Same Unsatisfying Sequence: Unfortunately, it was entirely possible that this cycle was going to keep repeating itself until the wife did something to break the cycle. There are a couple of choices here. You can bring your husband’s attention to the fact that he never takes any action (knowing that the risk is that he finally WILL take some action and move out or seek a divorce) or you can take some initiative to bring about change on your own, hoping that this will motivate him to do the same.

If you do nothing, you are likely to have the same result and you will get to continue watching this process over and over again. My suggestion would be to ask yourself what you are willing to do in order to make some meaningful changes. And I can’t answer that question for you because only you know your comfort level and options that you might explore. But I’d suggest having a plan in place before you have a very direct conversation with your husband.

Changing Up Your Response: Once you do have a plan and you’ve determined a strategy you want to try, then it’s time to initiate a discussion. The next time your husband says the marriage is over or that he’s unhappy, you might change things up this time. Instead of tuning him out or saying nothing you might say something like: “well, I’m well aware of that because we’ve had this conversation repeatedly. And yet, here we are again having the same conversation because nothing changes. I’d like to break this cycle. I’ve made an appointment with a counselor for next week. I’d like for you to go with me, but I’m going either way. I’d like for us to work on ways that we can both be happy. I hope that the fact that you are still here means that you still deep down hold out some hope for this marriage. I do. But things need to change. If we keep going on in the same way, we’re going to remain unhappy and neither of us deserve that. Will you work with me to make real changes so that we aren’t continuing to have this conversation over and over?”

You have to be careful that you don’t come on so strongly that he feels challenged to actually take some action that means he will move out, want to separate, or file for a divorce. Make it very clear that you’re wanting change that will help you to save your marriage instead of end it. Understand that you may have to move gradually. Believe it or not, your husband might have developed some comfort with this pattern because it is known. So sometimes, you will have to move forward as you are able to without pushing too hard.

I know that you are tired of this, but it really is an advantage that he hasn’t moved out or filed for divorce.  Because as it stands now, you do have to make the changes that might save your marriage.  In my own situation, my husband was nearly ready to file for divorce so I had to work at an almost desperate pace and I didn’t always handle it so well.  If if helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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