Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives in troubled marriages believe that if they can just get their husbands to commit to working together to save the marriage, then all their troubles will be solved. After all, if both spouses join forces and are motivated to make it work, how can they fail?

The problem is that, in reality, having two spouses who are equally committed is often just wishful thinking. It’s very rare to see both people enthusiastically on board. Typically, one spouse is most definitely driving the ship while the other watches from the shore. Understandably, this reluctance can be very frustrating when you are the spouse who wants to save your marriage more than anything and your husband is dragging his feet about making any commitment whatsoever.

A wife might say, “I know that my marriage is in trouble. My husband seems very uninterested in me and in our life together. He makes every excuse not to spend time with me. I am convinced that if we spent some quality time together, we could get back on track. When I mention this to my husband, he will shake his head, as if he agrees with me. But when I ask him what time he would like our dinner reservations or a counselor’s appointment – both things that are going to help us save our marriage – he begs off. He always has something else to do. I got frustrated last night and I snapped, ‘are you committed to saving our marriage or not?’ He wouldn’t answer. He would only say that he doesn’t feel that we need to make big dramatic plans about this. He says he wants to wait and see what happens, which I feel is code for, ‘I am not committed to making any effort whatsoever toward improving or saving this marriage.’ Where does this leave me? Because I’m very committed to saving my marriage and to do whatever is necessary to improve things between us. But I feel like I won’t have any success without his cooperation.”

You Can Usually Obtain His Cooperation And Commitment Gradually If You Play This Correctly: I understand your frustration. But I have to tell you that I’ve seen separations where both spouses were equally and enthusiastically committed end in divorce, and I have seen situations where husbands had one foot out of the door, yet the marriage ends up in a happy reconciliation.

My husband was not interested or committed and, at times, I became so discouraged that I considered giving up. In my case giving up would have meant a divorce because I was already separated. But, thankfully, I learned an important lesson. There is plenty that you can do to save your marriage all on your own. Yes, eventually you will need for your husband to make an effort and offer a commitment, but you don’t always need this initially. If you can show him steady improvement that doesn’t require huge amounts of pain and effort, he will usually gradually make more of a commitment as things begin to improve.

How To Read The Clues He Gives You To Make Important Marriage-Saving Changes Yourself: In this situation, the husband has given a clue that is very typical of many husbands in troubled marriages. He wants to “wait and see” without any set, sweeping plans. This may seem like a roadblock or set back, but all it’s actually an important clue if you read it correctly. He’s telling you that he may be more receptive if you come at him with low-key activities that don’t require big announcements.

In other words, he will likely be resistant to a formal dinner that requires reservations. But perhaps he is willing to take a walk after a dinner at home or sit together and watch a movie. Honestly, small, harmonious efforts strung together can strengthen your connection just as efficiently (and sometimes more so) than expensive, formal outings. Frankly, the less pressure you exert, the more cooperative your husband may be.

Yes, you are still trying to deepen your bond and strengthen your connection, but you are playing the long game with easy activities that he is unlikely to resist because the activities don’t necessarily look like marriage-savers.

Likewise, he may not be ready and willing to go to counseling tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean that he will never be willing – or that you can’t improve your marriage in your own home by identifying the issues that divide you and working on them as you can.

Why You Should Focus On Willingness Rather Than Commitment: Over time, I came up with a mantra during my own separation: Take what he will give you and build. You don’t necessarily need for your husband to loudly declare that he is completely on board and fully committed to saving your marriage. In fact, some days he may even oppose you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eventually gain some ground.

Actually, you just need his willingness some of the time. Because you can build upon very little when you are willing to take a gradual approach. (And I know that a gradual approach can yield huge dividends.) Today he may not be willing to accept a dinner reservation, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t tomorrow.

The key is to take what he gives – even if it feels sparse at the time, and then increase what he gives as you can. Tonight it might just be a shared snack on the couch. Next week, it might be a cozy dinner at home. Next month, you might actually get the romantic dinner that you want right now. But you have to be willing to build up to that in the same way that you are going to build up to the commitment.

I learned that if he is unwilling to give you a commitment, stop asking for it. And accept his willingness instead. If you get enough instances of willingness, you will likely eventually get the commitment. You don’t need to push him for it or make any announcements about it, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t be actively seeking it, in a very gradual but effective way.

As I alluded to, my husband definitely wasn’t committed to saving our marriage. In fact, he was pretty sure that he wanted to end it. But that didn’t stop me from trying certain strategies myself. And one of them actually saved my marriage. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin