Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives that I hear from are happy to admit that their husband is a good man for whom they have a great deal of love and respect. Many call him their very best friend. They describe him as the person who knows and cares for them better than anyone else. They say he is the person that they most trust.  Many say that they don’t want to be without him. So what is the problem, then? Well, many feel that despite all of these things, they just don’t love him in the way that they should.

I might hear a comment like: “I have known my husband for half of my life. I have told him things that I would never tell another human being. I trust him with my life. I do not know what I would do if anything were to happen to him. He is the highest quality person that I know. And if I had to be stranded on a deserted island, he is the person who I would want to have with me. Without any doubt, he is my very best friend. I would be lost without him. The problem is that for the last seven or so years, I have started to have the thought that I do not love him in the way that I should. Do not misunderstand me. I do love my husband. Very much. But I do not have that weak in the knees, silly feeling that you get when you are in love with someone. There is a guy at my job that I feel that way around. When the other guy is near me, I literally start to sweat and my heart quickens. I have never had that with my husband. One of my good friends just got remarried. She says that every time she sees her new husband, she wants to rip off his clothes or fall into his arms. She laughed when she said this and looked at me like she thought I knew exactly what she meant. I don’t. I’ve never felt that way toward my husband. I’ve never felt lust toward him. He is very attractive and I am proud to be with him, but I think that my feelings aren’t romantic love. I am approaching middle age. Part of me wonders if I am going to spend the rest of my life without love. I have considered being honest with my husband and asking if we can remain close but not married. But I know that this is a crazy idea and unrealistic. This would hurt my husband deeply and I think that, because of the pain, he would keep his distance from me. The thing is that I am not sure that I could stand it if he wasn’t in my life. He is that important to me. What can I do?”

Why I Think You Should Fight For Your Marriage When You Are Already Compatible: I am going to sound biased because I am. I believe that you should fight very hard for your marriage.  I think that this is especially true when you have that rare combination of mutual love and respect already.  And, I hear from a lot of people who are separating or struggling because they don’t get along or are not compatible.

And yet here we have a couple that got along fabulously and were so compatible that they were best friends. I know that some people might be reading this and thinking “what in the world is she complaining about? It sounds like she has a good man who she adores. So what is the problem? She is simply asking too much.”

Can You Manufacture Romantic Love When You Already Have Compatibility?: I can see how people might think that this wife was asking too much, but as human beings our time on this earth is short. I can understand wanting to experience as much as you possibly can. And romantic love is one of life’s great pleasures that all of us want. I think the real question here is whether or not you can manufacture love if you start with two compatible people who are very fond of one another.

I actually believe that you can, but you have to make a very conscious effort to move slightly away from the friend mentality and to move toward the lover mentality. This takes a very conscious shift and it will require you to leave your comfort zone. Go on dates. Get dressed up. Really look at your husband. Compliment him. Focus on the feeling of your skin against his and really and truly take it in.

Understanding The Rare And Special Thing You Already Have: Finding someone who you genuinely love and don’t want to live without is rare. It truly is. So I would suggest doing whatever you can possibly do to ignite that spark.

I will tell you something that is true. I hear from a lot of people who are “in lust” with their spouse. Yes, they can not keep their hands off of him. Yes, the chemistry is wonderful. But the fights are equally as passionate. They take the good, but they have to also take the bad. Many are willing to make this trade.  But some can not stand the volatility and this destroys their marriage.

But I think that the much better option is to take the person that you already adore and bump up the physicality. Because that truly is the perfect combination.

I believe that romantic love rises and wanes.   It isn’t always lustful.  It isn’t always comfortable.  You take the good with the bad.  You ride the waves.  But you stick with the commitment, especially if you have mutual love and respect.  Because I have learned first hand that the grass is most definitely not greener on the other side of the fence. It costs me a marital separation to learn this lesson and it was very painful.   If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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