Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  A common worry that many wives have is whether or not they should be worried when their husband shows “weird” or “unusual” behavior.  The first inclination of many is to just ask him about this.  Unfortunately, though, many husbands do not give you a completely straight answer.  Many will tell you that “everything is fine”  when they are acting much less than fine.  And this can leave the wife wondering if she is only being paranoid or if there are potentially problematic issues cropping up in her marriage that need her attention.

She might say: “I can tell that there is something wrong with my husband.  For the past three weeks, he has been very distracted, distant, and moody. He seems a million miles away.  I have repeatedly asked him what’s wrong and he tells me that there is nothing wrong.  He says it with an annoyed tone, like I am just being paranoid.  We haven’t gotten into a big fight or anything.  I can’t pinpoint what might be upsetting him.  I asked him how things were at work and he just answers that things are fine.  They do not seem fine.  He hasn’t taken me out this whole time that he’s been acting weird.  We might have had sex once, but he isn’t affectionate.  How do you know when to be concerned if your spouse is acting weird?”

Why I Think It’s Better To Be Safe Than Sorry: This a question that I learned the answer to the hard way, which is why I would answer that I think it’s best to always be concerned when your husband acts weird.  Here’s why.  Showing concern is just something that you should do as a loving spouse anyway.  And sometimes, when our spouse tells us that nothing is wrong, there might be something that is VERY wrong.  I think it’s best to operate under the idea that it’s better to be safe than to be sorry.

Because in my own case, my husband assured me that nothing was wrong, and, understandably, I desperately wanted to believe that.  I was at a time in my life where I was very busy with a stressful situation.  So I didn’t need the added stress of unraveling what was going on with my husband.  When he told me that there was “nothing” wrong, I was ecstatic to believe him because it made my life much easier to not take on any more problems.  I told myself that I just didn’t have time to deal with it right then.

So it was easier to hide my head in the sand.  But what I didn’t anticipate was that there was something wrong with my husband.  He was no longer happy in our marriage.  And this led to us separating.

Putting The Behavior Into Context: That’s why I think it’s better to overreact than to under-react.  We all wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Sometimes, we all go through moody phases.  But these things usually pass quickly.  My rule of thumb is that if I see any troublesome behaviors that stick around past a couple of days, then this is a reason for concern.

And I think that it’s important to be careful about how you address it. You don’t want to take an accusatory tone where you’re essentially demanding: “what in the world is wrong with you? Why are you being so moody?”  When you do this, he is likely to feel defensive and to deny that anything is wrong.

But if you take the opposite approach and you come to him with something like: “I notice that you are not quite yourself.  Can you share with me what might be wrong? I’d like to help if I can,”  then you are more likely to get him to share with you because it’s obvious that you only want to help him.

Searching For Clues: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your husband will not share what is bothering him.  In that case, you have to watch very closely for clues that might give you more information.  You don’t want to accuse him of lying or not being forthcoming.  You just want to tell him that you’re willing to listen any time that he wants to talk and then you want to be very observant to see if you can pinpoint if there is a particular time he is showing these behaviors. Does he act a certain way after work? Or when interacting with someone?  Does he seem happy at other places but not at home?  Watching his behavior will often give you the first clue as to the source of the problem.

But whatever you do, don’t just ignore it.  This is only my opinion, of course.  And I know that people sometimes have fleeting and passing problems that don’t affect their marriages in any way.  But I’ve learned that it’s definitely better to be safe than sorry.  Not taking my own husband’s “weirdness” seriously almost cost me my marriage. We ultimately separated. Thankfully, I eventually turned things around and we reconciled and are still married today.   You can the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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