Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: After your husband leaves for a trial separation, it’s normal to watch his behavior very closely. Sometimes, we see things that aren’t there. But other observations are kind of obvious. We are looking for clues as to how he might be feeling about the separation and what reactions he might be having to it.

So when we see evidence that he may be feeling guilt, we may be inclined to feel some relief. Guilt is good, right? And if it is, how should we react to it? Is there any way that we can take advantage of it?

Someone might say: “I begged my husband not to pursue a separation and frankly, I pulled out all of the stops. I did everything that I possibly could to drive home the point that I was going to struggle without my husband. Well, I guess this worked somewhat because my husband is obviously feeling very guilty. He calls to find out how I am doing. He comes over on the night before garbage day and takes out the garbage. He’s been mowing the grass. The other day, he stopped only slightly short of out and out apologizing to me. He very clearly feels guilty. So I am wondering what this means. I wonder if it is a good sign. And I wonder if I can exploit it in some way and use it to my advantage. I know that sounds awful, but I really want my husband back. And at this point, I will take any advantage that I can get.”

The Good Sign That Must Be Managed Very Carefully: I actually do think that guilt can be a good sign. But I think that you have to be VERY careful as to how you deal with it. Here is why. If your spouse is feeling guilty, then he is still invested enough to care about your feelings and your experiences. That’s a very good thing. Because in some cases, by the time a separation finally happens, the spouse that wants the separation has become indifferent. And this is a dangerous situation because an indifferent spouse no longer has any emotional investment.

Having a spouse that is still emotionally invested makes your job a little easier. But you want to be careful with how you play the guilt card. Why? Because husbands who have initiated a separation are often trying to run away from negative emotions. And guilt can feel like a very negative emotion. And the danger in that is that sometimes, in order to keep from feeling the guilt, a husband will start to avoid you.

That’s why I’d suggest not heaving on the guilt to gain a perceived advantage – even though I understand why this might be very tempting. Instead, I would give him positive feedback when does something kind for you out of guilt. In essence, what you are trying to do is to take the negative emotion and flip it around. So, when he comes over the mow the yard or take out the trash, you want to make sure that he gets some pay off from that to counteract the guilt and to encourage him to keep doing it.

You might say: “I really appreciate that you’re still looking out for me. I know that you don’t have to do it, but it means a lot to me that you’re taking the time. Why don’t you let me make you a cup of coffee or a snack?” (Dinner might be too large of a commitment at first, depending on how things are going. Alternatively, you could offer to do something nice for his household in exchange.)

The idea is to acknowledge that he’s making the effort to not leave you high and dry – even if you both know that it is the guilt that is driving him. I know that this might sound like a lost opportunity in order to take the high road. But you have to look at this for the long term. The real goal is to make your interactions with him positive so that he wants to repeat them. If he has to cringe every time he goes to your home because he knows that you will attempt to make him feel bad, he may start finding excuses to stop coming. This will make a reconciliation much more difficult.

The bottom line is that yes, guilt can be good. But you don’t want to rely on it so much that it becomes bad. Instead, use it as a stepping stone and give positive rather than negative feedback. That way, you’re using it a tool to build, not to repel. And you’re husband is not feeling punished for actually caring enough to feel guilt in the first place.

I admit that I learned all of this the hard way. And you guessed it, I played this card too heavily and my husband avoided me.  I had to work tirelessly and very carefully to undo this damage.  I did eventually get him back, but I made it much harder than it had to be.   You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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