Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write articles on preventing a divorce and saving marriages. Many times, I’m contacted by people in difficult situations where the husband says he needs time or space and is considering leaving the home or initiating a separation and divorce. Some of the more common comments are things like, “He’s leaving because he says he needs space,” or “He says he needs time by himself to think about things,” or “He needs to be alone to decide if he wants to stay married.”

Understandably, such a request from a husband can put panic into the heart of a wife. Your brain immediately visits desperate places where you assume that his “needing space” means he’s going to leave you and this is eventually going to lead to divorce. This can cause you to feel that you have to take immediate drastic action and do whatever you need to do to keep him from walking out the door. I know that at the time, this feels like the right thing to do, but it is often not. Desperation and perpetuating negative emotions almost always push your husband further away and make your job harder in the end. (Unfortunately, I know this from experience.) I’ll discuss that I think is the best way to handle a husband who “needs space” in this article.

First, Try To See If You Can Give Him His “Space” Without His Needing To Leave: Before I get into this step, I want you to think about what happens to you when you have been thinking about something carefully, have weighed all of the options, and with a heavy heart, have come to a difficult decision. How do you respond when, after going through all of these difficult considerations, someone tries to tell you that you are wrong, make you feel guilty, or change your mind? I’d bet you’d not respond very favorably. No one likes to be told they are wrong. And, most people will only dig in their heels deeper and become even more determined.

So, you don’t want to tell your husband that he’s selfish or wrong about asking for the space. You want to validate him instead. Agree with him that some aspects of the marriage are troubling and could use drastic improvement. Tell him that you too could benefit from some space. Offer that both of you could take space by living separately for a while, but under one roof. Agree on boundaries, timelines, and rules that will work for both of your comfort levels. (I know this won’t be easy, but at least you will still have access to him.)

Sometimes, what is really happening when your husband is asking for space is that he’s trying to get a reaction from you. He’s not feeling appreciated, valued, or understood and he really wants you to protest with things like, “Oh no, I don’t want you to go. I love you more than anything and couldn’t live without you.” In other words, he’s looking for reassurance that you are not indifferent to him or your marriage. So, if this is the case, offer him the reassurance he needs, but don’t disrespect yourself in the process.

How To Make An In-Home Separation Work (You Have To Actually Give The Space, With A Caveat:) Not every husband will agree with the arrangement where you’re living together but separately, but some will. The reason for staying under one roof is that you will still have access to your husband while you are living separately, but this plan CAN work if he moves out as well. (My husband did.)

Now, if your husband does take you up on this, you are absolutely going to have to make good on your promises. You should absolutely give him the space that he has asked for without hovering or constantly questioning him. But, you should also take the same space for yourself. You should go out with friends, do whatever makes you happy, and portray yourself as a woman who loves her husband very much but who is taking full advantage of this time for herself. Why do you do this? Because vibrant, independent women who respect themselves enough to keep growing and who respect their husbands enough to want him to be happy are so much more attractive and desirable than the wife who is constantly begging her husband not to leave or trying to guilt him or engage him with arguments.

If Your Husband Does Leave, Give Him The Space He’s Asked For, But Make Sure He Knows You’re Also Taking Your Own Space: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your husband does leave. This does not have to be dire or lead to divorce. Sometimes, distance can be a very positive thing. First, the tension can’t help but lessen, and second, the silence and solitude will often give your husband a chance to miss you and see that he very likely overreacted.

While he’s having his space, don’t hover over him or make too many attempts to “check-up” or “check-in.” He’s asked for this so give it to him. But, make sure he knows that you’re doing the same. See your friends. Take up things you love to do. Remain upbeat, open, and vibrant and make sure he knows and sees this.

What typically happens here is that the husband sees the woman he first fell in love with – the happy, open-hearted, laid back, fun, loving, and exciting woman who first caught his eye. And, when this happens, it suddenly hits him like a ton of bricks that he’s pushed her away. At this point, he may well begin to initiate more contact or say he’s finished with his space. But, move slowly. Let him be the initiator and know that men are extremely attractive to women who are just out of reach and who respect themselves enough to make sure they are equal parties in the equation.

When my husband wanted to leave, I was the desperate, panicked woman I just told you not to be. These tactics backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course to save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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