Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often get emails from wives who ask me to suggest ways to get their husband’s love back in their marriage. Usually, with a bit of prompting, I can get them to tell me that they really fear their husbands are no longer “in love” with them. This is usually just a feeling or suspicion that they have. Sometimes, a husband has come right out and told the wife he no longer loves her, but often, this is not the case (or this happens in anger, so it really isn’t valid.) More often than not, the wife has, (typically for a quite a while now), felt a distance growing, or has noticed that her husband shows less emotion, detaches himself from her, shows less and less affection, or spends less quality time with her or on the marriage.

Although I will go over some things that you can do to get the love back, I first want to say that, at least in my opinion, I doubt it’s true that your husband 100% doesn’t love you anymore at all. The love between a married couple is not something that typically just disappears or dies altogether. Often, what has happened is that close bond and intimacy shared between husband and wife has started to wane. The stresses of day-to-day life in our society can begin to take their toll. The loving gestures and spontaneous laughter that used to define your marriage become less and less frequent. The positive feelings and fun that you used to have become a distant memory.

So, it’s not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore, it’s that your marriage has become devoid of the gestures and occurrences that make you feel loved. The light-hearted, yet intense atmosphere that people generally enjoy when they are first “in love” can certainly wane over time. But, there are ways to get it back. With a bit of work and having a working plan, you can return to a place where you have no doubt your husband loves you. So, let’s get to it.

Look At Your Own Actions, Gestures, And Expressions Of Love In The Marriage: Typically, the loss of intimacy in a marriage is not just one-sided and it doesn’t just crop up overnight. Usually, both partners play some part. Now, your husband can be more guilty of this than you, he may have started it first, or your actions may just be a reaction to his lack of interest.

But, I find that almost always, the wife has either shut down herself (thinking “why bother?”), or she goes on the offensive – trying to “prove” or “show” her husband that the spark is still there by hovering or nagging. Men will often read this as trying too hard, and it can go terribly wrong. There is a way to strike a balance between these two extremes, though.

Instead of pulling away yourself or lamenting the lack of affection in your marriage, stop and ask yourself, how much genuine affection are you showing your husband? I’m not talking about canned displays just meant to manipulate him into seeing things your way, but genuine, spontaneous, truly intimate gestures. Can you improve in this area at all? How often to you do little things to show your husband that you love and appreciate him?

How often do you make direct and intense eye contact and listen to him without interruption or a hurried response? How often do you go out of your way to lighten his load, brighten his day, or remind him that you have his back? How often do you lovingly touch him? (I’m not even talking about sex here. I’m talking about grabbing his hand, giving him a spontaneous hug, or lightly rubbing his arm.)

I am not asking these questions to make you feel guilty or to place the blame where it shouldn’t be. I bring these things up because I know that we are all guilty of them. My marriage almost ended because of neglect. And, I didn’t even see it coming. Little by little, I let my marriage become comfortable and stagnant. And, I know that I am not alone. I would estimate that neglect is the cause of or stimulus for most of the divorces in this country. Please don’t let yours be one of them.

Making The Changes That Will Return An Emotional Investment In Your Husband: If you’ve read this far, I suspect that some of what I have said has rung true for you, but I find that many wives will reject the idea of changing themselves to ultimately get what they want from their husbands. They will often mistake this for being the one doing all of the giving and the one who is making all of the changes.

But, please understand this universal truth: In reality, you only have control over your own actions. You can’t “make” or “get” your husband to love you or act in the way that you think he should, especially if you’re not willing to bend a little. But, you can, with your own actions, greatly encourage and motivate him to want to reflect back what you are giving him.

Men “fall in love” because a woman makes them feel good about themselves. So, if you’re giving your husband your affection, time, and appreciation — if you’re making just a tiny bit more effort to show him that he is so important to you – suddenly all of these positive feelings are going to start to come his way. He’s going to want to keep this going – and because he’s happier and more fulfilled, and of course, this is going to trickle down to you. It can’t help but come your way too.

Overcoming Your Own Resistance: Think about this for a second. What is the worst that can happen? Let’s say you take my advice and start to maybe greet your husband with a hug when he comes home instead of a hurried glance. Maybe you want to offer back rub instead or your turned back before bed. Yes, you’re having to take the lead. And, perhaps that isn’t fair. But, in the end, who is going to benefit? If he’s happier, aren’t you going to be happier too? Besides, is marriage about keeping score or being happy?

Now, at first, he may wonder what is going on or think that you are up to something, but, once he learns that you are trying to make real changes, and you aren’t going to stop or pull away, I very much suspect you’re going to start to see more of the behavior and loving gestures that you are missing in your marriage. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. It’s that neither of you is showing and demonstrating the love (or prioritizing it), in the way that you used to. Once you do, the emotional investment should return and the distance and emotional detachment should wane.

How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes (which almost cost me my marriage) when I was trying to make my own husband “fall back in love” with me. Eventually, (though commitment and a change in strategies), I was able to restore my husband’s love and re-ignite our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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