Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with a cold, indifferent, aloof, or distant husband.  In some cases, the marriage is struggling.  Occasionally, the husband has a sort of standoffish personality and he acts in this distant way toward most people. However, in many cases, the wife can not help but notice that he seems to save this cold and aloof persona specifically for her.  She can’t help but notice that her husband is the sweetest, most caring, most demonstrative man in the world to everyone else — except for her.

She might say: “for the past year or so, my husband has been extremely cold and nasty to me.  At first I thought that maybe something personal was going on with him and that it would pass.  Then I thought that it was my imagination.  But then other people started to notice it.  My next door neighbor actually asked me if we had marital problems.  That’s when I really started to notice how he acted around me.  I tried asking him what was wrong.  He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.  So when I started pointing out specific instances where he had slighted me or treated me badly, he acted like I was criticizing him or being overly-sensitive. I am not sure how far to take this.  If I really push and get mean or insistent about it, then he may be more mean to me.  I don’t want to give ultimatums and threaten my marriage.  I WANT my marriage. But I want my marriage in the way that it used to be.  He honestly used to be sweet to me.  He was never the most demonstrative man.  He’s never liked PDA.  But he has no problem kissing, hugging, and praising our kids.  But he can’t seem to do the same for me.  I’ve asked if I’ve done something to upset him, but he gives me a terse denial.  What would make a husband be mean, distant, or cold to only his wife? I just do not understand this.”

I could certainly give you some theories.  But obviously, you are the person closest to your marriage and to your husband.  So only you can determine what the most likely scenario is (or if any of the suggestions below ring true to you.)

He May Be Reacting To Some Identifiable Disappointment: The easiest guess would be that, somewhere along the line, your husband felt that you disappointed or let him down in a big way, which has resulted in him completely changing his stance around you.  If you have asked yourself if this is possible and you don’t think that it is and can’t remember any possible mistake that you could have made, here are some other theories.

Vague Disappointment In His Life That He Is Taking Out On You:  Let’s face it.  When people have been married for a while, there is a tendency to take your spouse for granted.  You begin treating complete strangers better than your own spouse sometimes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone is this scenario is a bad person if they are doing this.  It can just mean that they have become complacent and overly comfortable.

There is also a tendency to take out our disappointments and our pain in life out on those who we love or on those who are closest to us.  This doesn’t make it right.  But it is very common.  It is possible that there is something in your husband’s life – his job, his extended family, his health, or his place in the world – which has greatly disappointed him. He might be taking that disappointment out on you without realizing it.

Loss Of Empathetic Feelings – Particularly Toward You:  I hesitate to even bring this up.  But sometimes, when a couple loses the closeness and intimacy between them, it is much easier to lash out at one another.  If he isn’t feeling loving or empathetic feelings toward you, it is going to be easier for him to be distant and cruel.  I can’t speculate as to whether or not this is the case, but you may want to keep a watch out to evaluate whether or not this may be the case.  If it is, then you may want to try a strategy meant for bringing back the intimacy in your marriage.

I know that this may sound crass, but take a look at your sex life.  Men are who are fulfilled in that way are often more sweet to their wives because they are being consistently motivated to do so.  Of course, you want this to be mutually fulfilling for both of you, but often fixing your sex life is a way to quick-start him treating you more in alignment with how you want to be treated.  It sounds very simplistic, but I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how well it works.  (And it is easier to try it while your husband is still present than it might be if this morphs into a bigger problem.)

You want to avoid trying to force him to be move loving or criticizing him when he isn’t.  As we all know, the more you try to force someone into something, the more they resist and the more of the negative behavior that you will often get.  (So you might find him being even more cold if you try this strategy.) Instead, you want to try positive reinforcement when you can.  If you ever catch him being loving or having a positive response to you, do something nice or something that you know will reinforce this.  In short, you are trying to condition him to make it his inclination and natural tendency to come closer rather than to come further away.

Also, watch your regular, day-to-day interactions closely.  Notice the times and the behaviors that get a positive response.  And then, make it a point to do more of those things.  It may sound daunting, but these small adjustments can allow you to make gradual and meaningful changes.

I know that these things may sound simplistic, but I had to use some of them when things got so bad that my husband and I separated.  When we slide back into bad habits, I revisit them once again.  You can read more about our hard-fought reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin