Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It hurts to hear your spouse keep harping about one personality trait that is just as natural to you as breathing. And when the criticism gets so bad that your spouse is threatening to leave, then the whole thing can feel like a personal attack. This is especially true if you have never felt that the trait was that offensive or as bad as he is saying.

I’ve heard from wives who say things like: “my husband and I have very different personalities. He’s very soft spoken and shy. If I didn’t love him so much, I might think that he is a weak push over. If we go out to eat and he is brought the wrong food and it is not cooked properly, he won’t say anything. He will just pout and eat it. He very rarely stands up for himself. When he tries to express himself, he will water down what he is trying to say as to not offend anyone and, a lot of the time, he’s not a very effective communicator because of this. I am exactly the opposite. If you do something that I don’t like, then you are going to know it because I’m going to tell you. People do tell me that I am direct or abrupt. But I don’t believe that I am mean. I take after my father who was very matter of fact. My husband is more like my mother who is very meek. The other day, we were at a parent / teacher conference and we got on the topic of some behavior issues with my child. I did not like the way that the teacher was talking about my child and I let her know this. Things did not go well and the teacher and I ended up raising our voices and exchanging insults which made my daughter cry. On the way home, my husband said that he couldn’t take anymore of my ‘rude personality’ and that he was considering leaving me because of it. He says that I never pass up an opportunity to be loud and to draw attention to myself. I think that I am just being direct and honest. And I think he overreacts to my personality because he himself is so meek. Still, I love him and I don’t want a divorce or separation. What can I do?”

I’m certainly no expert, but I think that the wife could potentially be right in her suspicion that her husband was reacting so strongly to her personality because it was the exact opposite of his. Sometimes, we react strongly to personality traits because we know that they are lacking in us or they remind us of our own short comings in some way. So I think that the wife was definitely valid in some of her thinking.

Take A Hard And Honest Look To Determine If There’s Any Validity In What He’s Saying: However, with this said, if this is something that bothers your husband enough that he is willing to leave you over this (and potentially break up your family,) then it makes sense to pay attention. You have to ask yourself if there is some validity in his concerns. And since this wife admitted that other people had described her as direct or abrasive, then there may be something in what he is claiming. It certainly doesn’t help to try to take an honest look at the situation and see if there is anywhere that you could tone it down.

You Can Keep Your Core Personality While You Tone It Down: This might take some doing because this wife was brought up in a household that demonstrated the exact same dynamic as she is living right now – a direct partner who says exactly what they are thinking and a more submissive partner who keeps quiet. So, the wife’s personality likely felt very natural to her. And it may well have served her well. But, the truth is, you can still keep the core of your personality and tone it down so that you still get your point across in a way that isn’t as frustrating to the people around you.

People are often under the assumption that you can not change who you are. While I agree that we all have our core personalities, I am living proof that you can tone it down. I grew up with a mother who was overly emotional – so much so that most people describe my mother as a drama queen. Because I grew up watching this, I can be this way also. However, high emotion and overreaction drives my husband crazy.

A good therapist pointed out that my tendency to always jump to the worst case scenario and to become so emotional about it that I made every one around me miserable wasn’t serving me. This hit the mark with me and inspired real change. Do I still feel very deep emotions? Yes, I absolutely do. But I express them in other ways now.  I now avoid always thinking out loud and allowing other people to be affected.

I believe that this type of shift was possible for this wife also. I believe that it was absolutely possible for her to learn to be direct without coming off as abrupt or abrasive. Because sometimes, it is not what you say, it is the tone and the body language that you are using when you say it. And these modifications can be learned.

An Important Conversation: You might want to address this with your husband. Because if he knows that you are willing to try to make some changes, he may not be as quick to voice the threats to leave. You might say something like: “it hurts me to hear you say that you’d consider leaving me. I admit that I came on strong with the teacher. And I regret the reaction that our child had. I would never want to hurt her. I was voicing my concerns with the teacher to try to avoid our child being treated unfairly and it backfired. My intentions were good. But my methods were wrong. I don’t want to hurt my family. I am serious about toning it down. I am going to need your help to do it. I’m going to make every effort to change my tone and my body language so that I don’t come off as rude. But I need your help. If you see me going too far, redirect me. I grew up watching my father and so I emulate what I saw. But I want to change. And I believe I can do that with your help.”

Your husband may well be shocked to hear this coming from you. But he can hopefully tell that you are sincere and that is half the battle. And hopefully once he sees the effort, he will back off of the talk of leaving you. You also want to look to see if there are any triggers in your life or in your marriage that bring about the behavior. Because until you can remove those things, it’s going to be more difficult to stop.

I know this first hand. Although I admit that I am my mother’s daughter and can be overly emotional, my husband often pushed my buttons, which made things worse.  After our separation, we both had to learn to do better.  If it helps, you can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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