My Husband Is Claiming Not To Miss Me During Our Trial Separation. Could He Just Be Pretending?
By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes when we are going through a trial or a marital separation, our greatest hope if that our husband is going to miss us right away and that we won’t have to wait too long until we are able to reconcile. It’s hard to be patient during this process. And you may find yourself overanalyzing any little thing that your husband says or does as proof that he is beginning to miss you. When you don’t see these signs or find them ambiguous, it can be very tempting to just come out and ask him if he misses you. And that is what many of us do. But we don’t always like his answer.
It could be explained this way: “I’m not exaggerating when I say that the day that my husband moved out was one of the worst days of my life. I knew that it might happen because he’d been talking about how unhappy he was. But I had hoped that he would have decided that we should try to work it out BEFORE we separated. He didn’t make that decision, though. Instead he seemed to think that we should separate right away so he could see how this made him feel. One of my friends tried to comfort me by saying that she knew he was going to miss me almost immediately and then he would come crawling back. Well, it’s been three weeks and that has not happened yet. We talk every couple of days, but by no means does he seem to be longing for me in any way. When we talk, I try to drop hints about how much I’m missing him in the hopes that he will respond in kind. He never does. He changes the subject or asks after my family. Finally, I got tired of just hinting around so I blurted out ‘don’t you miss me at all?’ He had me repeat myself, as if he didn’t hear, or he didn’t understand what I had said. And then his response to me was ‘I haven’t had time to miss you. That’s a ridiculous question so early in the process.’ So by that response, he seems to be claiming not to miss me. And I find myself wondering how that could even be possible. I mean, when I moved out of my mother’s house, I missed her even though we clashed at times. So I find it a little unrealistic to think that he just doesn’t miss me at all. Could he be pretending so that I don’t read too much into it?”
Are You Giving Him The Opportunity?: Anything is possible. I can say that during my own separation, I honestly don’t believe that my husband truly missed me until I gave him the opportunity to do so. What I mean by this is that I truly was not giving him the space that he had asked for. I was always calling, texting, or coming by. He became frustrated by this and saw it as a bit of a nuisance. Therefore, I was not creating the scenario whereby he could miss me. Once I forced myself to step back a bit, that was the time period when he started to become more open to those feelings.
I am not telling you that this is what is happening in your case. I can’t possibly know that. But I gently suggesting that you take an honest look and ask yourself if it’s possible. If he’s telling you that he doesn’t miss you, then it makes sense to ask yourself if you have given him the opportunity to do so.
And by “opportunity,” I don’t mean ignoring him or not being in touch at all. You never have to take it too far. I just mean placing more of your focus on yourself and less of your focus on him. This allows him to sit with himself only. Many times, he finds that lonely rather than freeing.
The Possibility Of Pretending Or Posturing: Of course, there is the possibility that he does miss you, but he doesn’t want you to know that just yet. Perhaps he is afraid that if you have this knowledge, you will push for a reconciliation before he is ready to give it to you. Or perhaps he’s afraid that you will give him less space. Whatever the reason, his denial may well mean that he simply wants more time.
I don’t think that you have to make dire predictions or assume the worst. It simply means that for now, you have to hang tight and set up the scenario to be more favorable. You may also have to have a little more patience. I know that this is difficult. I have been there. And I remember a time when I thought my husband would never miss or want me again. My backing off was frankly out of desperation at times. Luckily, I was wrong in my defeatist thinking. We are still together today. I just needed a better strategy and a little more time. You can read about the outcome on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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