Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear wives recount mean, nasty, and negative things that their husbands have said.  Examples are things like: “you are so selfish,”  Or “none of my friends’ wives make the demands that you do,”  Or “it’s sad that I don’t even look forward to coming home after work because I know that you are going to be there to start nagging.”

Needless to say, these comments are very hurtful.  Many wives do not understand why their husbands would say these things other than the fact that he’s a potentially insensitive, mean, and hateful person.  It would be very easy to just make this assumption and to believe that you have to either live with it, leave him, or try to ignore him.  But I believe that if you do this, you truly are selling yourself short.  You both deserve more than that.  And I believe that if you can understand why your husband keeps making these comments, you can potentially stop them.  And that would make everyone happier.

Understand Where The Nasty Comments Are Coming From. Determine What He’s Actually Trying To Accomplish. (Hint. He Wants Change.): There is an assumption that husbands who say hateful things do this because they enjoy it.  I don’t think that this is always true.  I think that they do it because they are trying to initiate change or they are acting on their own frustrations.  Think about it for a second. We’ve all lashed out at someone who we love deeply – our kids, our parents, our siblings, and even our pets.  When you mistakenly did this, did you feel better in the long term? Sure, releasing your emotions might have felt good for just a little while.  But in the long term, I’m willing to bet that you felt guilty, horrible, regretful, and ashamed.  People who lash out and say nasty things do not generally enjoy it.

We lash out because we are overcome with emotion in that single moment and we want to feel better. And sometimes we lash out because we’re trying to initiate change.  When we yell at our kids about being the only one who cares enough to pick up after ourselves, what we’re really saying is that we wish our child would clean up after themselves once in a while because it’s tiring to be the only person in the household who cleans and it makes us feel diminished and taken advantage of.  What is your husband saying with his words? You’ve recounted phrases about nagging and demands.  Is it possible your spouse is feeling pressure from somewhere, even if it is not at home? Is it possible that what he’s really telling you is that he needs his home to be his safe haven right now?

Getting Started By Determining Which (If Any) Words Have Validity: I think that the first step in this process is being honest about whether or not what your husband is saying has any validity.  Because the answer to this question will help you to determine how to deal with it.

So when your husband says something that indicates he dreads coming home because of your nagging, you have to ask yourself if there is a shred of truth in this.  Obviously, none of us want to admit to nagging, but are you have the same arguments and conversations? If so, then his motivation is likely that he’s trying to initiate a change. Honestly, this is the easiest of all scenarios because theoretically, changing the tone of your interactions would benefit both of you and would theoretically stop the nasty comments.

As another example, if he says something like: “I don’t know why we ever got married,” that’s a statement that can be very easy to ignore because it makes you so angry.  But, it could be his passive-aggressive way of telling you that there is something about your marriage that is making him (and probably you) unhappy.

Admittedly, not every issue is going to be an easy fix.  But it’s important that you try to fix it. Because if you don’t, then you’re both going to continue to be frustrated. He’ll continue to say critical things because he feels like you’re not listening since there is no change.  And you’ll continue to be hurt and angry.  It is a vicious cycle to which there is no end – unless and until you address the core issue.

Learning Not To Engage When His Message Truly Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With You. Without A Pay Off, He May Stop: The other type of scenario is one where he is just blowing off steam at your expense. If he says something like: “you are so selfish” and your friends tell you that you are the most selfless and giving person they know, then it’s more likely he’s trying to get a reaction out of you for whatever reason.  Perhaps he had a bad day at work. Or maybe he’s angry about something else and this “selfish” insult is the first thing that popped into his head.  Maybe he knows that he is the selfish one and he is projecting. Sometimes, we take out our frustrations on the person available at the time, as unfair as this is.

The way to respond to this without feeding the fire is to realize that you are by no means selfish and to LET IT GO.  I know that you may be scratching your head at this, but when someone is just saying mean things with no validity out of frustration, they are looking to engage.  They are looking to pick a fight.  They are trying to blow off steam but they need a partner to do so. Don’t make things worse by playing into this.  Just mutter something like: “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and then turn away and do something else.  Much of the time, this will take the wind right out of their sails.  And they will eventually learn that there is no point in trying to get you to engage because you do not give them the payoff. And they’ll take their nastiness somewhere else or learn more constructive ways to release their emotions.

I have come to believe that, much of the time, there is some sort of pattern to a husband who makes it a habit to make negative comments.  He’s often trying to get your attention because he wants some sort of change.  Should he act like a mature adult and just say what he means and stop talking in riddles?  Absolutely, he should.

But very few of us do this.  I know that it doesn’t always make sense.  But in the end, people who say hurtful things are trying to get a reaction out of you. Because in their mind, they may have tried other ways to get your attention and have failed.  So now they are going where they suspect you can’t help but pay attention.

It’s important to pay attention if there is validity to what they are saying.  I did not pay attention and I ended up separated.  And I believe it would have been easier to save my marriage if I had addressed the issues beforehand.  This didn’t happen though, so I had to play catch up.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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