Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s perfectly natural and normal to want as much information as possible from a spouse who leaves the home in response to an argument, a separation, or just because of general unhappiness. Often, even if you know that this is coming, it’s quite difficult once it actually happens. If you didn’t know that it was coming, it can be shocking as well as upsetting.

So it’s normal that you would immediately want to know why he left you and for how long it will last. Unfortunately, many spouses who leave just can’t or won’t provide specific information. You often get very general answers which basically indicate that he just doesn’t know what the future holds just yet. That is why I hear from a lot of wives asking for my opinion on how long he might be gone.

So I might hear a comment like: “I have known that my husband has been unhappy for the last seven months. I knew that he wished that things were different between us. But I honestly never thought that he would leave me. When I came home from work last night and I didn’t find him home, I assumed that he was just working late or had gone out with friends. But, when hours passed with no sign of him, I started to get worried. He didn’t answer his cell phone for a long time. But finally, he called me back. I asked him where he was and he told me that he had ‘left me.’ I asked him what this meant and he indicated that it meant that he wasn’t happy in our marriage, so he left. He said he needs to take some time. Then he said ‘all this could change. Don’t be upset.’ Well, I was upset so I got off the phone pretty quickly. But this morning, his words keep running through my head and I find myself wondering what ‘that could change’ really means. What do you think he meant by this?”

I will try to answer this with an opinion, but I have to tell you that I am only speculating. Frankly, the only person who has any indication what the husband might be thinking in this case is the husband himself. However, husbands will generally hint or indicate that things might change when they are trying to reassure the wife that the separation may not last forever.

And there are a couple of reasons that he might want to do this. Sometimes, he legitimately cares what the wife is feeling and he has a good deal of concern for her. He regrets that his actions have hurt his wife and he is trying to say something to make her feel better and to let her know that her pain might be only temporary.

To take this a little further, some men know that their wife is going to want to call, text, or come by regularly and by telling her that things might change, he is trying to keep her from questioning him too much. It doesn’t always work. Many wives still ask him about his feelings and his intentions repeatedly. But, he’s trying to tell her that her asking isn’t going to change the fact that he may change his mind from one day to another.

Is This Is A Good Sign Or A Bad Sign? Wives often ask me if this whole “this can change” stance is a good sign. It can be. Because I hear from a lot of wives whose husbands leave, immediately file for divorce, and then proclaim that absolutely nothing can change his mind. This makes things harder. And it makes wives more discouraged because he’s drawing a line in the sand and is pretty much telling you that your attempts to change his mind are going to be met with resistance. That doesn’t mean that changing his mind is going to impossible. But it may mean that it is going to be more difficult.

Of course, him alluding to the fact that it can or might change doesn’t always mean that it is going to. People who leave their spouses do sometimes separate from and divorce those same spouses. But, they can also miss their spouse, come home, and reconcile. It really all depends upon why the spouse left and what happens between the two during the time that he has left the home.

Sometimes, they find that they miss one another and this motivates them to be more cooperative and to give a little more when it comes time to work things out. And some wives become very good at crafting the right strategy at the right time. Although you can not control what your husband feels and does at this time, you can try to set up the circumstances so that the time that you spend talking or seeing one another is pleasant, meaningful and leads to something else.

But to answer the original question, him saying that his leaving can change can mean that he’s trying to reassure you that things might work themselves out. Regardless though, his leaving likely still means he was unhappy and needs space. So it’s important to be mindful of this. It’s a good sign that he’s telling you that things may change, but it’s still a good idea to be mindful of your interactions and to do everything in your power to make sure that things go well between you.

I know that this is difficult.  My husband leaving me was one of the worst times of my life.  But, I can look back at it now and also say it was the stimulus that changed my marriage for the better.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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