Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: It is heart-wrenching when you suspect that your husband has given up on or checked out of your marriage. It is absolutely heartbreaking if he comes right out and admits this. At that point, there is no longer any room for doubt, and you can no longer fool yourself into believing that things may not be as bad as you’d assumed. But does this mean that it’s over and that there is nothing that you can do? Not necessarily.

A wife might say, “my marriage has been struggling for at least four months. Things got so bad that I decided I needed to bring it out into the open, and I asked my husband to work with me to fix our marriage. At first, he tried to claim that I was exaggerating our issues. But he eventually admitted that he was desperately unhappy and thinking about leaving. I begged him to work with me for a few months, and he agreed. Since that time, I have tried everything in my power to make things better between us. I’ve tried being more accommodating and attentive. I have tried planning special, private outings. I’ve asked him to go to counseling, but he has resisted. None of these things have helped. He just hasn’t been receptive to the things I’ve tried. Last weekend, I made plans for us. I put much effort into this. But my husband begged off. I was frustrated, so I blurted out, ‘it’s starting to feel like you’ve given up on this marriage.’ My husband sighed loudly and then said, ‘to be honest, I have.’ Then he told me that he thinks that it is best if he moves out. When I tried to ask for specific information, he put up his hands and cut me off. He’s only talked to me about basic topics since. Yesterday, I entered a room when his back was to me, and he was on his computer searching for apartments. So he is clearly going to move forward. This is really going to happen. My plans to save my marriage appear to have failed, and now my husband has given up on us. I don’t want to give up. But I’m starting to feel as if this situation is hopeless.”

I know how you feel. I’ve been there. But it is not necessarily hopeless. Yes, your husband has said made some upsetting admissions, and is taking some troubling actions. But he hasn’t moved out yet. He hasn’t filed any legal papers yet. No divorce is final yet. So you do have some time, and you may have some space to try some different things. Appreciate this advantage. Not every wife has it.

Look At Possibilities To Minimize The Damage: From my own experience from separating from my own husband, I believe that the biggest threats to your marriage right now are your husband moving out, your drifting further apart, and him eventually beginning to see other people. In my observation, these are the things that are the hardest to overcome.

So, you may want to methodically try to minimize these things. Suggest that you stay with family and friends for a while to give him a bit of space. Or offer to temporarily move out of the master bedroom for the same purpose. That way, he doesn’t need to move out and you won’t constantly wonder what he is doing and assume the worst. Sure, living under the same roof has its own set of challenges, but it is better than losing daily contact.

Admittedly, your husband may reject your offer and may still want to move out. (This was the case with me.) If so, all is not lost. You can try to establish some commitments from him. See if he’ll agree to meet or speak once a week. See if he will commit to giving the “space” a couple of months to work before he files anything. See if he will agree that neither of you will date other people while you are still married.

Having him agree to these things will spare you a lot of uncertainty and heartbreak. A separation is hard enough without never hearing from your husband and worrying about other women. Getting even a small commitment toward these topics will help a great deal. Yes, you may have to use a little finesse and you may have to present these items at different times to get his agreement, but it is worth the effort.

Things Can Change Dramatically During This Process: I know that things seem dire right now. But the circumstances can and do change dramatically. Sometimes, the space can actually work for you. Sometimes, it allows for calm and perspective. When you play it correctly, many husbands in this situation eventually miss their wives, and realize where they could have given a little more effort.

Some separations (like my own) start off horribly, but eventually improve gradually with time and new strategies. There is no need to throw in the towel at the very beginning of the process.

The Only Person Who Decides When You Are Ready To Give Up Is You: I hope it’s pretty obvious that I don’t think that you should give up on your marriage if you don’t wish to. If I had, I’d no longer be married today. I understand that you may feel pressure by friends, family, or even your husband to see the writing on the wall. But these people are not you. And you are the only one who has a right to your feelings, your decisions, and your actions.

You can still want your marriage and still be invested in it while respecting your husband’s request for space. You are not divorced. So you are not required to give up. Heck, I even know wives who didn’t give up after a divorce filing, and even a divorce. A few ended up remarried eventually. Yes, it is rare. But it is up to the individual as to when they let go.

And you are very early in the process. Things can change. But you would never know how they might change if you were to give up. If you are not ready, then consider giving yourself permission to try new things.

Trying new strategies eventually allowed me to save my marriage.  You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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