Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: Many of the women who visit my blog can literally feel their husband or their boyfriend slipping away from them. The distance is a feeling that has become so real that you can almost touch it. I often hear things like “our relationship today is just so different. He’s cold, indifferent, and emotionally distant. He acts as though he doesn’t care what I do anymore.” Or, “we’re just co-existing. We’re only parents who live together. There is no love, no passion, and no excitement and this is not my doing. I am starting to suspect that he just doesn’t love me anymore. It’s like he has completely checked out.”

And, I usually don’t question the validity of these wives’ perceptions. Intuition, especially when it comes to a relationship as important as marriage, is often somewhat right. If you feel a shift, it’s very smart to pay attention and to act on it. The longer the distance goes unaddressed, the harder it becomes to gain any real ground. And all marriages could benefit from more attention and effort. So, the following article is for those wives who suspect that their husbands are no longer “in love” with them, even though he may well love them as a person or as the mother of his children. We all know these two things are different and that most of us want and deserve both.

Why Has He Fallen Out Of Love Or Emotionally Checked Out (Or At Least Thinks He Has?): Men are typically not intuitive enough to look at the situation and say “here are the reasons that I’ve fallen out of love and here are the things that you need to address to change this.” It would be awesome and helpful if this were to happen, but don’t wait for that day because it is not likely to come.

Men are generally reactive. What I mean by this is that they will typically react in response to their feelings and disappointments rather than examining them first or attempting to talk them out. They likely don’t even know in their own heart why they feel this way and that makes it very difficult for them to share this insight with you.

But know this. When I am able to get men who have become distant or who have checked out of their marriage to talk openly and honestly, they usually all say the same thing. They say that they feel as though their wife sees them as another chore, doesn’t take the time for them, and no longer gives him the same respect and attention that she used to. Often when I tell women this, they will respond with something like “well, that works both ways. He used to look at me with hungry eyes and today, he looks at me like I’m the person who cooks his meals, raises his children, and does his laundry. We are both guilty of this.”

And the wives are right. Usually, both parties in the marriage have become stagnant, take the other for granted, and sort of eventually go through the motions because we all have so much on our plates that we can’t possibly do it all. Our intentions are good. We don’t mean this in a personal way. But our obligations are increasing at an alarming rate today and we’re all just doing the best we can.

It Can Be The Effort, Not The Love: At the end of the day, it really helps to understand that the husband and wife generally want exactly the same things. We all want to be noticed. We all want to be desired. We all want to know that we are appreciated. And we want to feel cherished and loved. In order for us to feel these things, the other person is going to have to show rather than tell us.

Sure, we’re all creatures of habit. And we kind of allow this to become our new reality. We don’t see it happening as it occurs but one day we look around and realize that the connection is waning. We feel taken for granted and alone. But, especially with men, rather than saying “honey, we have a problem that we really need to discuss. I miss you and need more of your time,” they will typically retreat. They will pull away. They begin to mirror what they perceive to be your actions. And they withdraw their attention and their own affection as a kind of punishment or a “take that.”

What happens then? You both assume that you’re no longer “in love” or that the other person is rejecting you or taking you for granted. And this becomes a cycle where resentment builds and the connection lessens more and more all of the time. What’s so unfortunate about this situation is that usually, it’s not the love that has left. It’s the effort that has left. It’s the communication that has left. If someone would speak up and ask for what they needed, things usually really could turn around.

Getting The Love And Connection To Return: Hopefully, I’ve shown you that if you can restore the efforts, the priorities, and the communications, the feelings will usually follow along and can be restored. Many people don’t believe me when I tell them this, but usually, if they will just give this an honest try, they will later admit that they are pleasantly surprised.

You have to realize that you actually are in a better position than you might perceive. You have already won in this process once. In the past, you made your husband fall in love with you so successfully that he married you. In fact, you have very intimate knowledge about what makes this man happy and what succeeds in making him feel the things that are necessary to feel in love. Men adore women who make them feel good about themselves. They want to feel smart, capable, valuable, unique and understood in exactly the same way that we do. They want to feel like you “get” them in the way that no one else does.

Making these things happen takes time. It takes attention. It takes small efforts that build over time. And it takes your showing and not telling him that he and your marriage is one of your top proprieties. People are attracted to other people who can elicit positive feelings in them about their situations and themselves. You know what it takes to do this. You may have forgotten this for a while since you’ve been juggling countless balls in the air, but now is the time to revisit that woman he couldn’t live without. You know this woman very well. You see her in the mirror every morning.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage and was no longer in love with me. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy and I saved my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/