Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who recently felt so triumphant when their husband finally came home. But unfortunately, that wonderful feeling was short lived. Today, they are not feeling nearly as confident or blissful. Usually, something happens relatively quickly to test or threaten the relationship so that the wife can begin to worry that her husband is going to leave her again.

You might hear a comment like: “about six months ago, my husband left me. Our marriage had been in trouble, but I felt very strongly that we could fix things if he would give us a chance. He didn’t want to give me that chance. He felt that our marriage was just too far gone. So, he moved out. I made sure that we kept in constant contact. At first he was very resistant to me. But in time, I wore him down and he started coming around again. When he would come over, I would tell him how much I missed him and how much I struggle without him here. This went on for several weeks, when finally he agreed to come home. At first, things were great. But eventually, we started to fight about the same old things. And he started to say that he regretted coming home. He started to threaten to leave again. It has gotten to the point where I’m afraid to express my displeasure or to disagree with him. I feel like he’s going to walk out on me again. And I feel like it will be impossible to get him back the second time. I know that we have real problems, but I don’t want for him to leave again. How can I avoid him walking out on me again without being a doormat?”

It’s Best To Approach This Is A Fresh, New Way: I really felt for this wife. And I often tell wives that, as much as you can want your husband to come home, there is a real risk in him coming home too soon. This scenario is the perfect example of why. If you never broach or begin to fix why he left in the first place, then as soon as the same issue or problem comes up (and it almost always will eventually) then you run the risk of him repeating the same pattern by leaving once more. This is especially true if you haven’t learned new ways to deal with your problems. Many couples make it after a separation because they learn new ways to solve old problems. They learn the art of compromise or of gradually making changes as their marriage can tolerate it.

The good news is that the husband hadn’t yet left. The wife still had time to address any recurring issues. But continuing to say nothing while she saw the same patterns was a real risk. I felt that it made sense to try to address this before it got out of hand. I would suggest waiting to approach your husband until everything is relatively calm between you.

Then, you might say something like: “can we talk for a second? Something’s bothering me. I know that I can’t expect for our marriage to be perfect. I know that we have some things to work on. I know that this is going to take time. But what worries me is that we seem to be falling into the same old patterns. The concern is that you will leave again before we have time to do the work that is going to strengthen our marriage and make us much happier together. I’d like for us to find a way to learn to navigate our problems a little more efficiently. I’m afraid that if we don’t do this, a fight is going to escalate to the point where you leave again. And when that happens, our marriage may be at risk. Can you commit to working with me to ensure that this doesn’t happen?”

I hope that this conversation goes well and that your husband immediately agrees to do the work. But I have to tell you that many husbands aren’t going to be really enthusiastic about this. They can equate working on your marriage as having to share their feelings and all of those other things that men hate to do. That’s why you may have to accept gradual success and you may have to take the initiative and be willing to lead the way. But this is a better strategy than just ignoring the warning signs that you are already seeing and hoping for the best.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Projecting Fear That Isn’t Necessary: I’d like to make one final point. It’s natural to be afraid that he’s going to leave again. After all, the pain from him leaving the first time is still fresh in your mind. So of course you are going to have this concern. And when you fight, then you become even more sensitive of this possibility. Try to be careful though, that you aren’t allowing the fear to control your actions. You want to make sure that you do the work necessary to alleviate this risk as much as you can. But beyond that, you just have to have faith. You don’t want to become so fearful and accusatory that you bring about the thing that you fear the worst. If you’re always bringing up the possibility of him leaving again, you can almost put the idea in his head, which is the last thing that you want to do.

So I think the best option is to address the situation, work hard to fix it, and then be hopeful and as confident as you can that he’s going to hold up his end of the bargain.

I was always very paranoid that my husband would leave me again after our separation.  But eventually, I decided that my worrying was making it even more likely for him to leave.  So I placed my focus on improving our marriage instead and this was the best decision I could have made.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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