Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Regardless of the specific circumstances, many wives who reach out to me are a bit panicked. Even wives whose husbands have just begun to mention “wanting space” envision a future that may include a divorce. But the wives who have a husband who has just filed divorce papers are understandably the most panicked of all. And this panic can be intensified if the wife didn’t know that the filing was coming.

She might say, “I can’t claim that I didn’t know that my husband was unhappy in our marriage or even that he wanted out of it. But I honestly thought that I had at least a little bit of time to try to save my marriage. I’ve been trying various strategies to make him happier at home. But apparently, my strategies didn’t work because I was served with divorce papers today. And I didn’t see it coming. He did not warn me. And I had no idea that he’d gone to see an attorney. Maybe I’m naive, but I was blindsided by this. And I find myself wondering if he did this on purpose so that I could not prepare myself. Do I even have any chance of saving my marriage now? Why would he do this?”

There are two questions here and I will try to answer both below.

Why Would He File For Divorce Without Telling You?: There are many plausible reasons for this, and your husband would be the best person to explain his thought process, although, in my experience, this is unlikely. However, one very likely reason is that he did not want you to attempt to talk him out of it. He may have noticed and acknowledged your attempts to make things better, but he may have still felt that it was falling short. However, he didn’t risk telling you this because he did not want a debate. And, he likely did not want you to attempt to talk him out of the divorce. He obviously knows that you don’t want one because you have been trying to save your marriage.

Does this mean that he will always try to thwart every marriage-saving attempt that you make? Not necessarily, but it does suggest that you may want to consider a more subtle strategy. Because a man who files for divorce without telling you is a man who at least thinks that he is firm on his decision and does not want to be talked out of it.

Is Saving Your Marriage A Hopeless Situation After Your Husband Filed For Divorce With No Warning?: I don’t believe that it is hopeless, but it is potentially going to take a great deal of finesse and patience. I was able to save my marriage during a separation, but admittedly, my husband did not file for divorce suddenly and without my knowledge. Still, I believe that the process of gradually saving your marriage would be similar.

I made many mistakes which I would caution against. I learned the hard way that insinuating that your husband is wrong, selfish, or not seeing reality are almost always losing strategies. By filing for divorce behind your back, he is pretty much telling you that he does not want to listen to your input. So that should tell you that any strategy that attempts to force him to listen to overwhelmingly opposing points of view will not only fail but will make it more likely that he will try to avoid you and speed along the divorce.

The Careful Strategy You May Have To Embrace: In my experience, you are better off not making it obvious that this is what you are trying to do. You don’t have to pretend that you also want a divorce, but at the same time, you don’t want to be fighting him on it, either. There is nothing wrong with his knowing that while this isn’t what you want, you aren’t actively aggressively trying to thwart him.

Instead, you will need to bide your time and try to maintain a decent relationship so that you have access to your husband. That way, you can take advantage of any opportunity that you have to improve this situation. Your goal is to show him that his perceptions about you and your marriage are incorrect. You can’t do this if you are arguing or debating with him. You can’t do this if he thinks you are actively trying to keep him from what he wants.

This does require you to take very small gains and to build off of each positive encounter. As you are able, you want to show your husband the attributes that he has been looking for. I know that this is tricky. Because you have to make changes that appear very genuine. Otherwise, he will believe that you are just pretending to save your marriage. You can’t go for big, sweeping changes at first. You need to start small and build very gradually. Admittedly, this requires skill as he has already drawn a line in the sand and seemingly made his decision.

Use The Knowledge You Already Have: Know that you do have a roadmap. You already know what it takes to make your husband love you. Because you have done this before. Yes, I know that the circumstances have changed. But you know which attributes he loves the most. If you are honest and dig deep, you can probably identify which of those attributes have been missing lately.

Now is the time to bring them back and to make sure that he sees them. You can’t appear desperate or clingy. Every move must seem genuine and somewhat natural. But it is not impossible. I do know wives who have pulled this off. Granted, it does take a series of gradual steps that lead to big gains. But if you are calm, methodical, and can leave your fear at the door, it can be done.

I know this is a tall order. I feel very embarrassed when I look back on the mistakes I made during my own separation. But it was difficult not to be driven by the fear that my marriage was over. Thankfully, I never gave up and I had a little luck along the way. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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