Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have been filed with divorce papers from a spouse who acted in the heat of the moment. Often, one spouse has done something to make the other so mad that they feel compelled to do something very dramatic in order to make a statement.  Sometimes, this statement turns out to be filing for divorce.  And this can make one wonder if these actions are actually authentic or if they have only been fueled by the anger that many eventually burn out.

I heard from someone who said: “my husband found out about a secret I’ve been keeping and he became so enraged that he filed for a divorce. My father is an alcoholic who has been borrowing money from me for the last couple of years. He takes a long time to pay it back or he doesn’t pay it back at all and my husband told me to stop giving him money. Last week, my father told me that he was going to lose his house. He asked me to give him some money just until payday. I took money out of our account to give to my father knowing that I would put it back in before my husband would notice. For whatever reason, my husband decided to look at the bank account before payday and he caught me. I had the money deposited in there the next day to replace it but it was too late. My husband was already so mad that he went to an attorney and filed for divorce. I know that we have problems because of my dad. But I feel like he filed because he was so mad about what I did. Believe me, I will never do something like this again. Is it possible that he could still care about me? Could our marriage possibly stand a chance?”

This is certainly only my opinion and I absolutely could be wrong, but I think it was probably a safe bet that the husband did still care. The fact that he had such strong emotions that he took this type of dramatic and swift action shows that he is likely still invested. If he wasn’t, he likely wouldn’t have had much of a reaction at all, except for being disappointed but not surprised. But the fact that he was this outraged indicated that he still had some belief in his wife that had been shattered by her actions.

His Still Caring May Not Be Your Biggest Issue: Yes, he may still care. But frankly, caring isn’t the only thing that is required to keep your marriage not only intact, but also strong. Because people can love their spouses very much, but they can get divorced anyway because love just was not enough. Sometimes, people get so worn down and so battered by their spouse’s repeated actions that they just get to the point where they think they’ve had enough. I suspected that this is where the husband felt that he was.

He may well have still loved his wife, but he likely also felt that she was never going to change and that she was going to keep going behind his back when he had asked her not to. Once he accepted that she wasn’t willing or able to change, then the only real option left is to walk away unless he wanted to live the rest of his life with these kinds of secrets and lies, which he obviously did not. He probably felt that although he loved his wife, love clearly wasn’t enough to make her stop her behavior and her secrecy. It’s very important for you to understand that your spouse can still care about you and love you very much but you might still end up divorced if your spouse thinks that you will not change. That’s why it’s vital that you show him that you can and will change.

Understand And Address The Root Issues: The wife probably thought that she was getting a divorce because the husband caught her giving her alcoholic father money. But this was only part of it. This was only the tip of the iceberg. Her being secretive and giving her dad money when her husband had asked her not to indicated a bigger problem and a lack of communication and respect. So rather than just apologizing or trying to promise that she wouldn’t do it again, she needed to make her husband believe that she understood that he felt disrespected and lied to. She needed to show a willingness to change the way they interacted with trust and money issues. Because the father’s alcoholism was not the entire problem, but it was a main symptom that repeatedly manifested this couple’s issues with trust and secrecy.

I suspected that the husband would eventually calm down. And he may even be willing to talk about calling off the divorce. But if they didn’t address the core issues, this was likely to keep coming up again and again even if her father exited the picture. That’s why it was vital that she took a very close look at the honesty and secrecy issues. Because this husband might have still cared very much, but he may have also been tired of this cycle. And that is why it’s so important to break it.

When my husband and I separated, I believe that we still cared for one another.  But our feelings weren’t enough to overcome the problems that my husband perceived we had.  Over a period of time, I had to show my husband sincere change. And this is what allowed me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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