Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I received an email from a wife who said that no matter what she says or does, she can not convince her husband that their marriage can be made better or can be saved.  She said in part: “I just can’t get my husband to understand and believe that if we were both committed to doing it, we could improve and even save this marriage.  I keep trying to convince him, but no matter what I say or do, he says that the marriage just is not workable.”   I’ll tell you how I responded to this in the following article.

Know That His Perception Is His Reality: In the email that I just discussed, the wife gave me all sorts of reasons why she felt that the marriage was quite workable. She wanted my advice on how to present these points in a different way so that her husband would finally believe what she was saying.  The truth is, right now wrapping your message up and tying it with a pretty bow doesn’t matter much if this isn’t the message that he’s wanting to hear.  He will still tune you out if what you say doesn’t confirm what is his reality.

The things that the wife told me made perfect, rational sense to me, but this really doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that the husband, for whatever reason, was not wavering on his belief that the marriage was not salvageable.  Arguing this point was unlikely to do any good. So, any message that was meant to change her husband’s mind about this was going to fall on deaf ears, whether his arguments had any merit or not.  Sometimes, you just have to play the cards you are dealt rather than asking for a new hand from a reluctant dealer.  This was one of those times.

Validating His Perception, Even If You Don’t Buy It: The easiest way to get someone to see things your way is to see things their way. In other words, you have to make concessions to get concessions.  Everyone needs to feel heard.  And it sure helps if they also feel validated.  You will find that he cooperates much more if he believes that you can at least see some of his points.  Surely, you can agree on at least a few of his perceptions of the marriage.  It’s not too hard to concede that things certainly aren’t great right now.  There’s no use in denying that.  You differ on if things can be turned around, but you shouldn’t dwell on this either.  For now, just concede that he’s absolutely right about the state of the marriage.  You’re trying to lessen some of the resistance and a sure way to do this is to stop resisting yourself.  It’s easier to swim with the tide than the struggle against it.

Working On The Marriage Without His Cooperation (And Without Telling Him That You’re Doing It):  If your husband has made clear that he doesn’t think the marriage is remotely workable, then to keep from delaying what needs to be done, it’s quicker to just accept that you’re going to be working alone, at least for now.  Take all of the energy that were putting into arguing with him or trying to change his mind and channel that into changing up the dynamics between you.

Here’s what your main problems are.  Either he doesn’t think that things can be changed or he doesn’t, for whatever reason, want to put in the work that will help to change this.  Again, it’s all about his perception.  You actually can change his perception.  But, this isn’t likely going to come from talking his ear off or from arguing and debating with him.  This is going to come through actions on your part.  And you’ll have better success if you go heavy on the action and light on the explanations.  He’s not receptive anyway, so just go about improving things without a long explanation.

Using The Advantages That You’re Probably Unaware That You Possess:  I know that this may seem a long way off, but there was once a time when you were able to expertly make your husband believe that the relationship was working so well that he wanted to commit to it for the rest of his life.  He was once helplessly in love with you and you probably didn’t meet a lot of his resistance at that time.  So, although it may seem hopeless right now, you do know the magic formula to this equation because you’ve already solved it. Sure, you are not two different people with larger responsibilities, but at your core, you are the same person and so is he.

I just can’t buy that things have changed so drastically as to change who either of you are.  It’s not you (or even him) who has changed.  It’s the circumstances that surround your relationship.  These are the things that he finds “unworkable.”  It’s the stress and the time constraints and the society that puts family last.  But, it is really up to you as to whether you become very conscious of those stresses that you allow into your life and into your marriage.  It’s up to you to set priorities and to make the time. You did this once, in the beginning.  You listened as much as you talked.  You gave as much as you got.  You valued his happiness as much as your own.

And yes, so he did.  And yes, he has work to do too.  But right now, you’re the only one who is willing to step up the plate. So you are the one who must start to make things better.  As what you’re doing makes him a bit happier and fulfilled he will gradually become more receptive until he’s at a point where he’s giving a little also.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was not workable. And he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me save it. I knew that it wasn’t over for me. I didn’t want to give up on my marriage. But, for a long time, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. You can imagine how badly this failed. Until I changed course and saved my marriage.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/