Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: To say that a trial separation can seem like culture shock is an understatement.  This is especially true if you did not want the separation and your spouse was the one who initiated it.

Honestly, it can feel as if your entire world has been turned upside down.  One day your spouse is there and in your bed and the next day he is not.  One day you know that you have someone with whom you can share your life with; but the next day, this is not so certain. One day you feel relatively content and stable; and the next day you do not. One day you have someone to share household tasks and responsibilities with; and the next day you do not.

To say that your life has negatively changed because of the separation is a huge understatement.  And it can certainly feel as if these changes are not for the better.  You can feel abandoned, disrespected, and very much alone.  Understandably, you can want to talk to the person who understands what you are going through – and that is your husband.  After all, he is going through this separation also.  He may well know what you are experiencing.

This is natural.  But it does not always turn out well.  Sometimes, it seems that your husband does not want to hear about your fears or problems.  Sometimes, it seems that he expects you to just deal with the separation without complaint or comment.  A wife might say: “honestly, I have never been as miserable as I am right now.  My husband moved out of our home last weekend.  I have never felt so alone and so sad.  I hate having to do everything myself.  I hate feeling unsafe here all by myself.  I hate having to answer questions about what is going on with my marriage.  I don’t know what to say when someone calls and asks about my husband. I have to make an excuse as to why he is not here.  But when I tell my husband all of these things, he seems to get angry and frustrated.  Last night, he actually said, ‘I had to move out due to all of your complaining and yet I still have to hear you complain.  I just don’t want to hear it anymore.’ I honestly think that he is being unreasonable.  How am I to be expected to not complain when my world has been turned upside down?  Am I just supposed to pretend that I am happy about all of this?  Because I think that’s pretty unrealistic.  It’s as if he expects me to just accept the separation without a peep.”

I understand your frustration.  And you have every right to be upset.  I know firsthand that a separation is a very scary time.  Your reaction is very normal.  But I also know that it is common for separated husbands to not want to hear all about it.

Why?  Because it makes them feel guilty.  And it makes them feel a little helpless because they can’t help you when the two of you are no longer living together. So as understandable as your complaints are, sometimes it makes sense to find another outlet for them.

And the reason that I say that is because I also know that a separated husband who gets tired of hearing you complain may also start avoiding you.  He may stop taking your calls.  He may make excuses when you want to see him.  And this can be a serious problem when you’re trying to end the separation and save your marriage.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your concerns, but I would suggest that you find a new place to express them, at least for now.  Journal them.  Talk to your girlfriends or your family about them.  But for right now, temper them when you are with your husband.  Frankly, I learned the hard way that it is best to keep your interactions with your separated husband pleasant.

Why? Because when you do that you don’t have any problem setting up future meetings and conversations.  And you desperately need these meetings and conversations when you are trying to save your marriage.  You will have a very hard time reconciling if you never see or talk to your husband.

I am not telling you that you need to act as if you are thrilled to be separated.  You know that this is not true and so does your husband.  But I think that you want to act as if you are coping as best as you can.  You want it to appear that you are fully capable of handling this, even if it wasn’t your choice.  And it’s never a bad idea to let your husband see that you are using this time to work on and make improvements to yourself and to your situation.

You don’t need to be fake.  But I think that you do want to appear to be capable.  Making this change completely transformed my separated husband’s attitude toward me.  And that made all of the difference because it allowed us to reconcile. You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin