Leslie Cane Articles

Wanting to keep your separation private is more than understandable. It is no one else’s business. And, when you are unsure about what is going to happen next, it is difficult and frustrating to have to keep explaining a reality that you may not be able to define just yet. It’s normal to want to avoid answering personal questions. It’s also understandable if you don’t want to talk about your marriage at all right now, even to those who are closest to you.

However, it can be tricky when you are in regular contact with family or friends who might notice your change in circumstances. Understandably, these folks may have questions. In this instance, do you just lie? Do you attempt to deflect their questions? Does each spouse handle his or her own friends and family member’s inquiries?

Someone may ask something like this: “My husband and I separated about four weeks ago. We have dinner with his parents every Sunday. I assumed that we would pause this practice while we are separated. However, my husband wants to carry out the ruse. He doesn’t want his parents to know about the separation. He is particularly worried about his mother. The truth is that I am close to his mother. In my view, keeping this information from her is deceitful and disrespectful. My husband says that she is his parent, not mine, so whether to tell her is his choice. I worry about her reaction if she finds out that we lied to her. But if I go behind my husband’s back and confess, then he may be angry. I want to save my marriage, so I’m willing to do what he asks. Is it customary to not tell your parents that you are separated?”

There is really no traditional way to handle this. Often, couples who hope to reconcile quickly are selective about who they tell. They hope that their marriage will return to normal in a short period of time. Therefore, there is really no reason to bring others into a process that is hopefully only temporary.

Personally, I regretted telling some people about my own separation. A few friends wanted to talk about the separation all the time, even though these conversations were painful for me. Others constantly gave unsolicited advice. Some still hold a grudge against my husband even though we have long since reconciled. Sometimes even loving friends and family will cling to the separation when you want to put it behind you.

Some Considerations: Lying can have its own set of problems. I think one consideration is how often your in-laws interact with you and how hard it would be to cover the separation for a short period of time. If you only see them on Sundays, then leaving the separation out of conversation should not be too difficult. However, if you are in a situation where you see or talk to them so much that you will have to lie to cover up your reality, then this may be different.

You may want to discuss your reservations with your husband. You might try something like, “I’m very uncomfortable keeping our separation from your mother. I am worried that I will have to straight-up lie to her and I do not feel right about that. At the same time, I want to honor what you are asking me to do. So, if she asks questions that require me to lie, can I have her direct the question to you?”

In this way, you are giving your husband the choice of whether to lie to his mother, but you are not having to do so yourself. Plus, you are honoring his insistence that these are his parents. I do agree with your husband that difficult conversations with (and decisions about) his parents should be left up to him. Yes, your relationship with your mother-in-law is very important. But right now, you are fighting for your marriage. And you are always going to be in a better position when your husband sees that you are on his side and are part of his team. In his own mind, he likely has very good reasons not to involve his parents in your marriage. Respect this until or unless circumstances make you reconsider.

If your separation lingers or if your mother-in-law begins asking questions, then you can regroup with your husband. But right now, if your only major interaction is the Sunday dinners, then I don’t see the harm in respecting your husband’s wishes for a while.

Finding Your Own Support System: My own separation got volatile at times. Due to my own mistakes, I struggled emotionally and I needed my parent’s support. So I told them about the separation, although I tried to respect my husband’s privacy. This was the right call because they were nothing but supportive and they were my family, not my husband’s. Your situation is different and of course, it is your choice as to whether you tell your own parents.

Try to look on the bright side of this. One reason that your husband may not wish to tell his family is that he hopes that you will be reconciled soon enough so there is no reason to worry others with your personal, temporary issues. If that is the case, going against his wishes may make this quick reconciliation less likely. I don’t think there is any harm in going with the status quo for now. If you are in a position where you have to lie, then you have every right to insist that your husband handle his own parents’ inquiries. Until then, I think that is important to show your husband that you have his back.  It wasn’t until I appreciated the idea of being on the same side as my husband that my approach to my own separation changed.  This shift allowed me to save my marriage. You can read more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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