Leslie Cane Articles

By; Leslie Cane: One of the questions I am often asked is, “How do I know if my husband still loves me? Because he never tells me that he loves me anymore. Sometimes, when I tell him that I love him, he changes the subject or doesn’t reply. He never shows me affection.”  While I can’t know your specific situation, this article will offer you some tips to bring love, affection, attention, and the spark back in your marriage again. Because it is my belief that it’s highly unlikely your husband doesn’t love you anymore.  Instead, his life, and therefore your marriage, could use a bit of sprucing up.

Love Between A Husband And Wife Doesn’t Disappear Overnight: When women tell me that their husband is no longer loving, I’ll ask basic questions about how they spend their time together or how the wife expresses affection for her husband so I can determine the culture of the marriage. Often, there are a few seconds of silence before the wife will say something like, “Well, we’re both really busy,” or “the kids take up a lot of our time,” or “well, he knows I love him.”

I don’t tell you this to place any blame or to make you feel guilty.  We all do this.  Over time, life takes over.  We still love our husbands very much, but we also usually have jobs, kids, aging parents, and homes to care for.  No one can give every single thing their undivided attention. But, all of our responsibilities can leave our marriages vulnerable.

Try To See Things From Your Husband’s Perspective: Just for a second, try to see things from your husband’s perspective. I don’t ask this because I think you are to blame.  I don’t – not by a long shot.  A marriage is a job that requires two people, but sometimes, it helps to see your spouse’s perspective.

For just one day, look at yourself, your life, and your marriage through your husband’s eyes.  I will never forget the day that I did this exercise myself.  At the end of the day, I was in tears because what I saw was not pretty.  I was a disheveled, inattentive, scattered, and grouchy woman who treated coworkers and strangers better than I treated my husband.  I was short, I did not maintain eye contact, rarely touched him with genuine affection, and I treated him as though he was another chore to cross off of my to-do list.

Then, I contrasted this with the woman my husband first fell in love with  – the one who was always excited to see him, the one whose eyes lit up when he walked into a room, the one who loved to talk to him for hours, the one who spontaneously touched him frequently – whether it was a brush of the cheek, a loving hug, or a massage.  No wonder he had shut down.  The marital life he had expected was nowhere close to the one he was living now.

Now, to be fair, we were having problems at that time and he was not being Mr. Prince Charming to me either.  I wasn’t getting what I had signed on for either. But, this is no excuse.  And, reflecting back his coldness and lack of love toward me was doing nothing to make things or our marriage better.  So, it finally dawned on me that if I were wondering if he loved me anymore (at that time we were on very shaky ground and headed for divorce) that I needed to be very proactive and change the way he was feeling through my own actions.

A Plan To Bring The Love Back In Your Marriage: Any plan that is going to encourage your husband to love you again, or show you more affection and attention is going to require you to model this behavior yourself.  So, when you say your husband “doesn’t love me anymore.” Ask yourself if he might feel the same way?  How often do you show him that you love him?  How many times per day do you listen to him without interrupting? How often do you say “I love you” with words and with actions? Make sure that you are doing everything that you can.  This alone is going to make things much better.  (Now, I don’t mean being fake or putting on a show. Men know the difference.)

Next, take a good look at yourself.  How much are you like the woman he fell in love with? I don’t mean looks, or weight, or age. I mean your laugh, your open heart, your attention, and your enthusiasm.  If he’s shut down, it’s highly likely that you have too.  Open your heart. Get excited about your life and your marriage.  Fill your own well with the things that make you fulfilled and happy.  So many women depend on their husbands to “make them happy.” This is too much pressure to put on a marriage.

Finally, when you and your husband were falling in love, what did you like to do together? How did you spend your time? How much time do you spend doing these things today?  So many couples stop having fun together.  I understand you both may have jobs and responsibilities, but there is more to life than this.  What really matters are those people you love and the fun, engaging experiences that you enjoy together. These are the building blocks of a happy life and a happy marriage.

In truth, it’s probably not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore.  It’s just that there aren’t the gestures, experiences, and situations available for him to really show it.  Do your part and show him the feelings and experiences you both once loved are right around the corner.  And, don’t hesitate because you are keeping score or think you are the only one doing all the work.  You will get into this marriage what you put into it.  Your husband’s happiness will be reflected back on you and you’ll be happier (and will feel more loved) as the result.

I wish I had known these things earlier in my own marriage. By the time I suspected my husband didn’t love me anymore, he had already checked out of the marriage and my response only made things worse. We actually separated. Fortunately, I was able to change course, return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/