Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I remember the day that the crushing realization hit me that my husband didn’t love me in the way that he should anymore.

It wasn’t after a horrible fight. Nothing dramatic happened. It was just the nothingness of it. The indifference. There was an undeniable shift in the air. And I could no longer pretend it wasn’t there. 

I felt as if I’d lost the most precious thing I had. I felt like I’d gotten the worst possible news.

So I understand wives from whom I hear the same lament.

They might say something like this: “I have been thinking in the back of my mind that my husband doesn’t love me anymore because he is very cold to me and he’s quite dismissive. However, when I mentioned this to him, he denied it and made me feel like I was paranoid. So I tried very hard to put it out of my head.

Well, last night we got in a run-in-the-mill argument. It wasn’t even that bad. We were both just tired and frustrated. But he blurted out that I was right. I asked him what I was right about, and he just came out with ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ Once this was out, we both just held our breath. He went storming into the guest bedroom and today he said that he’ll probably look for a new place for a while.

I knew he felt differently, but I can’t believe things are happening this fast. And I can’t believe he dropped it on me like this. I’m so hurt. And I’m so frozen. His stance makes me think I can’t do or say anything to change his mind. I know that we’ve been going through a rough patch, but I am very clear that I still love him. So I’m beyond hurt that he would just tell me he doesn’t love me as though he were announcing a new preference. What in the world can I do about this?”

I understand how this feels. And I can respond from my own perspective. But keep in mind that everyone’s husband – and everyone’s marriage – is different.

Sometimes “I Don’t Love You’s” Are Said for Reasons Other Than Love:  

I need to get this one out of the way. There are times when a husband is going through a dark phase in his life. He’s just not happy for various reasons, and he can’t quite figure out why. So he’ll start to think about cutting the things that might be the cause. Some men change jobs when they go through this.

Or they pursue new interests or friendships.

Others, unfortunately, begin to think that it is their marriage or their spouse that is making them unhappy. So they’ll want to experiment with space or time apart.

And occasionally, the spouse will eventually realize that it wasn’t the marriage that was the problem. But of course, by then the words can’t be taken back. 

I want to bring this up because there is always a chance that he doesn’t exactly mean what he’s said, even if he doesn’t know that yet.

Never Underestimate the Power of Change and of Time:

For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that your husband is absolutely sincere about not loving you anymore. He’s not pretending or being hyperbolic and he believes what he says.

I am sure my husband believed what he said, too.  

But what is true today doesn’t have to be true tomorrow. My husband loves me very much today. Did we do much hard work and have a bit of luck between that day and this? Absolutely. I’d never deny that.

But, very gradually, as I began to methodically remove the issues which I knew were causing problems, he became more receptive to me. And as he became more receptive to me, I started to be very conscious of showing him the qualities he loved about me in the first place. 

Very slowly, the love returned because my husband came to believe that he could finally trust in it. 

I promise you that it didn’t happen overnight. Some days, I was sure that it wouldn’t happen at all. And I can almost guarantee that it wouldn’t have happened if I had remained sad and done nothing. It only happened because I was very patient and I was very proactive. I also got lucky every once in a while.

Don’t Let Your Pain Cloud Your Judgement Right Now: 

I know how much this hurts, but I would caution you to not panic or get desperate. I can tell you from experience that these things lead to very unattractive behaviors.  

And these unattractive behaviors may push your husband away or even more and make things worse. I created a very deep hole for myself by acting desperate and a little unhinged.

I know that I’m asking a lot, but you will help yourself if you remain calm and try to act reasonably and methodically. People don’t end up divorced over a few days.

The issues may have been festering for a while, so they aren’t going to be erased in one swoop, either.  

What you can do, though, is to take advantage of the opportunities you have to remind your husband of why he loved you. Be the competent, positive person you always were. Conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach. Don’t give him any reason to dig in.

But give him plenty of reasons to change his mind. 

 I know that this is a huge challenge when he has dug this line in the sand. But time has a way of changing things. Improvement has a way of changing things.  

You don’t have to accept that this is the last word if you are still invested in your marriage. It may be a bit of a long game, but I know that it can be won. Take an honest inventory of where you are now and where you need to go. Then, little by little, begin heading toward your goal as you can.

Some days you’ll make progress, and others you may not. But always keep moving toward that goal. I had to commit to playing the long game during my own separation.  I sometimes had to force myself to keep going.  But thank goodness I did, because I got my marriage back.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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